Hello Strangers

I know there are still people out there, unbelievably, still following this blog. I thank you for your patience with our bad blogging habits. This will be a short one. I'm here to let you know, that if you really enjoy this blog, not to give up. I'll be back soon.

A few of other notes:

Today is Vickie' birthday. The other half of this blog. HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICKIE! My mom's Birthday is tomorrow. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! I'm surrounded by Taurus.

I started a music blog. Check it out! www.loudershesaid.tumblr.com I post a song a day. It's kind of my way of sharing music with the world and helping those who don't like to look for it, find it.

Sarah is having her baby, unless she had it in the middle of the night last night. Which is real possibility. Congratulations Sarah! (Sarah is my ex's sister, and kind of like a little sister to me)

I have to give a presentation in school tonight. Usually I would be having anxiety. I'm not. I think that worries me more, because I'm wondering if it's just waiting to hit me when I'm standing in front of the classroom. UGH. DREAD! Anyway, I need to study now.

Check back soon. I will!

~ Renee ~

Hangin' at the Red E

Friday morning, Northeast Portland. Drinking one of the best Americanos i've had yet. Delish. Red E Cafe. It's owned by some friends of my ex. They've met me no less than 10 times since I moved here and still, they have no idea who I am. So weird. I'm bad with names, but I never forget a face.

I got my school books this morning. Why its so fun to pick up books at the bookstore at the age of 42, I have no idea. But, it is. It's like Christmas. A present, that's true meaning is yet to be discovered. When you get your books for your classes, you still have no idea whether or not you will even like the classes you signed up for. Crapshoot.

My Americano is really really good. Yum.

I still haven't started my music blog. Can someone start it for me? And then I will just put up the music? Please? It will get done before Monday, even if I just put up a simple one that might change in the future. We'll call it a work in progress.

I've given up on redoing my resume on this spring break. I looked at other peoples and mine is fine. More or less. I applied for a job with Nike yesterday. What?

My mom retired and is moving to Arizona next week. My friend Chris is moving to Italy the week after that. My ex asked me if I would be mad if he moved from Oregon the other day. Change is in the air.

I've spent massive amounts of time alone lately. Massive.

I get some visitors next week. That will be nice.

If I don't work on the movie, should I go to Barbados for a few weeks and then go to Spain and walk? I can't afford it. I would be either spending school money or charging it. Why don't I care? The world seems so fucked up to me lately, I think I just want to avoid it. As someone said to me the other day: "I'm just waiting for frogs to start falling from the sky."

I don't mean to sound disenchanted. Because I'm not. I'm in a great place and I care so much less about so many things. There are so many people in the world that have it so horrible, I can never feel bad about my life. Even things that should probably stress me out, don't. Somehow, I figure, it will all work out. And if it doesn't, well then..... I'll cross that bridge....

Do you still wonder what the hell this blog is for? I do. It's like, DEAR DIARY, LET ME TELL EVERYONE WHAT I'M THINKING FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. Well, if after all this time, you are still reading, I hope you are getting something out of it. Something for yourself.

~thanks for reading~renee

Reflecting, One Year Later, Almost

In June, 2 months from now, I will have been here for one year. I find myself looking back and wondering, what have I done? Did I accomplish any of the things I set out to do? I might have to go back and read what those things were before I decide.

Major things to note: I actually moved here, I worked on a movie, participated in another Art from the Ashes show, and then accomplished my first semester of school. That doesn't even take into account like me tackling my fear of heights at a rock gym recently. Not terrible for ten months. Actually nine, since I was in hell, couch surfing, for the first month.

I'm on Spring Break with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Well, nothing I feel like doing. Motivation seems to be an issue for me a lot lately. Finding it, that is. I painted a bit earlier in the week. I had a whole list of things I was going to accomplish while on a break from school. Instead, I have been reading a book. Today I am going to try and tackle at least one thing on the list. I'm housesitting, that could have something to do with it. When I am in flux, my brain gets this whole "floating" mentality and prevents me from accomplishing much. I need that solid, feet on the ground, home based feeling. I've lost you, haven't I?

So, almost a year later, and what am I doing here? Well, I still can't seem to get a job, let alone an interview. In a strange repeat of last June, I might be working on a movie again. I am enrolled to start my second semester of school next week and may have to juggle movie/school for the month of May. That could get a little frightening. Another Art from the Ashes show starts in June and I'll be painting something for that. Seriously... is this a rewind? I'm still single, still jobless, and still living in a studio apartment at age 42. But I'm moving forward, right? RIGHT!

I think I've only ever told a handful of people this, probably for fear of sounding egotistical. But, I have always had this nagging feeling that I am supposed to do something great. Greater than myself and greater than I can even see. I have no idea what it is or what it means. I was talking to an old friend about it yesterday and he said, you know, not everyone has that feeling. I think he's right. So, if you are one of those people that does have this feeling, are you obligated to somehow figure out what this great thing is? And, if so, how do you go about it. I have been trying to figure it out for as long as I can remember.

At the one year mark, I'm sure not a lot will have changed but then again, you never know. I think it's good to look back at what you have done. Too often we criticize where we are at in life as if we have not done enough. If you take a minute to look back, you might be surprised at what you find. Try not to define yourself just by the job you've had for the past 10 years. Look at the things you have actually done and let yourself smile about it. Did you run a marathon, raise a child, care for a sick parent, pay off your debt, learn a language, get a degree, adopt a child, go on safari, retire, lose 10 pounds, start a business, finally finish that book? And if you can't think of anything, than I say, don't dwell on it. Pick something to accomplish this week. Take a walk around the pond.

A couple of days ago I went to my first Bikram Yoga class. It's yoga in a room where the thermostat is set to 105 degrees. I have wanted to try it for years. I was always afraid that I would puke or pass out, so I never tried it. This week, I finally did. I'm not gonna lie. It's really hard and it's really fucking hot. But, I lost 2 pounds and I felt so good afterwards it was amazing. I didn't love the class, but I loved the way it made me feel enough, that I will be going back.

Sometimes, the process is unpleasant but the results are so wonderful that you forget what took place before. And so, keep trying. Always. And allow yourself to be amazed by all the little things you accomplish every day.

Beef Stroganoff Soup

YUM! Doesn't that sound good? It looks good. It's the soup of the day today at Crema. I should be studying. I'm burnt out. Whenever I do a 10 hour day of studying it burns me out. I did that on Sunday. I'll study in a minute, or two.

Two of my regular spots, Crema and Opposable Thumbs (OT) have decided to react to the large numbers of unemployed people hanging out in their cafes. OT has taped over all outlets that are placed at tables they would rather have people eating at. They have also put little signs on their 4 tops asking you to please not sit there unless you are with other people and ordering food. Crema, as of this morning asks that you please not stay more than 45 minutes if they are busy (GUILTY). They also ask that you don't put your shit down before you order (GUILTY). The thing that got me was that they actually ask people not to bring in their own food or drink (NOT GUILTY). Who does that? I know, poor people who can't afford the internet but need to look for a job or study for school. Still... sit outside and hijack the internet. Anyway, all these limits are forcing me to find new places, spread my wings. I have been frequenting a new place called HEART. They have decent coffee they roast themselves, on site. They have really yummy toast too. They have no electrical outlets. So, if you need your computer, you have about a 2 hour limit. I think this is intentional and brilliant.

I am having birthday present anxiety. Someone is turning 40. They live far away. I have to mail it tomorrow and I still haven't gotten it.

I joined an on line dating site yesterday. Fuck. I'm not done filling out my profile. It was giving me a headache, talking about myself for so long. I'll finish tonight. Fuck.

I still haven't committed to the Olympics. I'm chicken. I haven't been painting. I'm busy. I haven't been writing. School. I haven't been reading. School. What am I doing? Still asking this same fucking question. Only now, today, it's stupid.

I haven't talked to the other half of this blog in weeks. She has a job now and has most likely entered into some kind of normalcy. We text and say hi. We'll talk soon.

I got my first student loan check the other day. I love debt. It makes me feel so good inside. BLAH.

Happy Fat Tuesday everyone. I may have to go order some of that fattening Beef Stroganoff Soup. YUM.

~ Renee

Other Places

I am trying to study but I just keep thinking about other places. Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, in particular. It's probably an 8 hour drive from here. I've been once, about 20 years ago, and I have wanted to go back ever since. I think I will. This year.

The pictures on walls today are glued to found items. I'm at a cafe, of course. Windows, shutters, parts of drawers, old frames. The pictures are just OK, and not even glued on right but the idea is nice and I like it.

The woman next to me is talking too loud. I wish she would stop talking. If you are talking loud enough for everyone in a cafe to hear you, you are talking to loud.

I'm doing the same thing as yesterday. Not doing what I should be doing. At this moment that would be reading a chapter on Ethnicity.

I finally reached out to someone with regard to the music blog in hopes of getting some help getting it set up. Start, stop. Do we like the name Tracks 11 and 12 (www.tracks11and12.com) or is it proper to say Track 11 and 12 (because I prefer that)? The other ideas I had are taken for the most part. I kind of like, From the Top of a Bus as well but it doesn't sound like a music blog. Do I care? Gorilla vs. Bear is one of the top music blogs at the moment, so....

She's talking loud again. I can't concentrate. Another, more annoying person just sat down across from me. Time for cafe dos.

~ Renee

Sunlight on my Wood Floor

So you know those days where you should be doing something else but you don't and then all you think about all day long is how you should be doing that other thing and so you never actually get anything done? No?

Well I do.

It's 60's degrees outside today and the sun is shining on the branches outside my window. It sounds like sunlight outside.

I made a doctors appointment today and ordered some shampoo from Beverly Hills. I miss my shampoo so I ordered some. I don't want to miss it anymore.

A motorcycle drove by just now. See, sunshine. It makes me want to blow all the things off that I am still thinking I should be doing. I'd rather sit on a patio and drink a margarita and pretend that summer is almost here.

I read a book recently called Utterly Monkey. You probably wouldn't like it.

I got my student ID today. The picture isn't horrible but it isn't good either. Why don't they let you look at them before they hit print? I like having a student ID. Now I can get discounts at the movies and on MAC products.

I hear a saw cutting wood outside. It sounds like sunshine.

I think I'll go to the gym now and continue thinking about all the things I should be doing.

~ Renee

Happy New Year?

Ok, so I'm a little, or a lot, late. I was in LA for Christmas and then back in Oregon for New Years Eve and then, BAM, I was sick as a dog. I was in bed for 10 days and still, 25 days later, getting rid of the last symptoms. No, it wasn't H1N1.

Now it's almost February and I am 1 year older than the last time I blogged. Oh joy. Vickie got a job in New Mexico and I started school in Oregon. Two girls in two cities are happy to have some new things happening.

I haven't forgotten or given up on the music blog. It too will be happening. I just need to do some research to get it up and running. I've started that process and it will be coming soon.

I'm still loving it here. The weather has been pretty mild and we've had enough sun off and on that I don't think i'll go crazy, not this year anyway.

I don't have a lot to say right now, which is funny. I've wanted to blog for a week now and kept saying "later, i'll do it later." It never happened. Now I am and I forget everything I wanted to say. So maybe I will leave it at this for now. A nice short & sweet Happy New Year to you all. And I will do my best to actually sign on here and say something of interest next time and sooner rather than later.

Happy New Year. May this 2010 bring you good health and happiness. ~ Renee