The Plan

I had a plan for next year. A very unthought out plan, but a plan no less. I realized last year that there were three very big things happening in 2010 that I wanted to be a part of. Now as 2009 is slowly creeping towards its end I am realizing that I have not put one ounce of energy into executing my plan.

The Plan:
February - Work or volunteer at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada
March - Barbados for BFF 40th
March thru May - Find temporary way to make money
June - Fly to Africa, attend World Cup of soccer.
July - Fly to Spain from Africa. Walk the Camino for the Holy Year.

What I have done so far:
1. Begged for a job at the Olympics via Facebook.
2. Applied for several jobs on the VANOC website.
3. Let some film people in Portland know that I am interested in getting on a crew in Vancouver.
4. Put dates for World Cup and Camino celebration on calendar.

So. As you can see. I have done, nothing.

Challenges:
1-100. Money
101. Lack of ideas on how to accomplish this.

Things I have going for me:
1. No job, no kids, no significant other = no commitments
2. Enthusiasm
3. A passport

By the way, I am completely serious. Seriously.

So today I am adding a number 5 to the "what have I done list." I am asking you for ideas and thoughts. Seriously. Can this be done given my current circumstance? Should it be done?

As I stand at my crossroads and examine the horizon, the road that is most enticing to me, of course, is this one. I was about to commit to a different direction and then I remembered. I have been joking outwardly about doing this for over a year. All the while, inside my head, I was completely serious. Now I see no reason not to, at very least, entertain the possibility for a bit longer. To take my self seriously and put it out there. If you don't try, even at the 11th hour, you will wonder what might have been.

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will themselves not be realized. ~Daniel H. Burnham

Crap! I thought I had it all figured out!

So yesterday I am at a bar (surprise), and I am sitting there having a pint (surprise again) and anyway..... I have a new crush. You want to know what I said at the moment I realized I was crushing? I looked at the person sitting next to me and said, very seriously, "I want to lay my head on his chest." What the hell? Who says that?

The reason I went to have the pint is because, 1. It was gorgeous out and I just wanted to sit outside in the sun some more. 2. Happy hour is really cheap here. 3. Summer is pretty much over and the sun is about to go into hiding. AND, 4. Because I didn't want to think about the fact that I suddenly feel like I am back at square one.

Number 4 might be a slight exaggeration but still. I'm a little freaked out.

I can't tell you everything because as mentioned in my last entry I'm keeping some things to myself. Teasing you? Not intentionally.

So. Two weeks ago I had it all figured out. I was going to postpone school until next summer. I was going to work on two more films. One that should be happening right now and one that starts some time in January. Here is what I have learned in the meantime. Nothing is a sure thing until it's a sure thing.

Disappointed and stumbling at yet another crossroads.... I somehow still feel strangely good. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. The problem now is which road do I take. There are actually about three roads I see for myself for the moment. How do you know which one is the right one? Or how do you make it the right one?

I thought I had it all figured out and then I didn't. And now I don't. And now, I get back up on the damn horse that brought me to this place and I keep trying to figure it out.



At a fork in the road
I paused
I looked down to see
The tips of my shoes
Hovering on the edge
Of the sky
Reflection
~ Renee Michelle Palmer

Now What?

I'm laying on my incredibly comfortable bed on my amazingly cozy down comforter wearing jeans and a tank top as if it were hot outside. It's not hot outside, or even warm. I have all the windows open (as usual) and the air blowing in is downright chilly. My toes are wishing for socks and my arms for a sweater. They sky is grey and the smell reminds me of June gloom in LA. I like it because I know it is temporary. I wonder if I will like it next month and the month after that and so on.....

I keep writing things and deleting them. Feeling a little out of practice. Need to get the writing juices going again.....

How about we do this interview style?

Q - What have you been up to?
A - Working on a movie. A short independent film.

Q - Yeah? Did you enjoy it?
A - Oh, very much so. I learned so much. Worked very hard, harder than I think I have ever worked in such a small period of time. I met some really great people and hopefully, new friends.

Q - Do you think you will want to continue working in film? In Portland?
A - I have no idea. I don't have a film school degree which makes me feel a little behind the eight ball, not to mention my age. I do know that working on the film fulfilled a lot of things I'd like to have in a job. So, we'll see. I have an idea but I'm kind of keeping it to myself for a minute.

Q - Really? Can you give me a hint?
A - No.

Q - What have you been doing since you got off the movie?
A - Working on some art pieces for my friend's art show. She started an amazing organization called Art from the Ashes. You should check out the website AND you should come to the show. .

Q - What kind of art were you working on?
A - Mixed media collage. Wood, paint, ash, burnt books, burnt tree bark, photography, poetry, etc... I completed two pieces that I submitted for the show.

Q - Sounds cool. Will you be attending?
A - Absolutely! It is such a great opportunity and I feel very lucky to be a part of something so incredibly positive.

Q - So, job done, art done, now what?
A - I've admittedly been doing some relaxing. For the first time in this unemployed period of my life, I don't feel the need to spend eight hours a day looking for a job. Instead, I am mulling over some ideas of my own and trying to figure out how I might make them happen. After a year of not working, I'm pretty sure I am done in the corporate/office world. I feel good, natural. I found out while working on the film that I am still willing to work incredibly hard and that I still have the skills to be successful. You loose your confidence a bit when you haven't worked in so long. I was worried I may have lost "it." So now, I feel like I am ready to make some things happen for myself putting those skills and that drive to work for ME.

Q - Will you continue blogging?
A - Hell yes! And, as mentioned way back when... a photo blog will most likely be added very very soon, so stay tuned.

Q - Anything else you would like to add?
A - Yes. Buy the new Muse record and listen to it really loud.

A Little Tiny Update

It's been a while since either Vickie or I have posted. Vickie's been traveling and I've been working. I wanted to put something up here in case she doesn't get a chance sooner than I plan to post next.

This production, as of today, will be taking over my life until August 31st. I don't think you will see a post from me until after that time so patience my friends... the blog is not going away, it just might be on a short hiatus. I would put a few updates on now but I wouldn't even know where to start and after working 11 hours today, I'm too tired to even try. It's funny how not working for a year has actually affected my ability to work long hours.

Please don't give up on us.... life just happened to get in the way at the moment. Maybe that's good. I figure, I'll be unemployed in a couple of weeks and all of this and that will give me fodder for future blogging.

Fast forward one hour from last paragraph..... Phone call from Vickie just happened... she hopes to blog soon soon soon! She is in Vegas, on her way back to NM this Friday in an unairconditioned car. Yikes!

I'm still laying on my bed, returning phone calls and trying to finish this little tiny update.

Gotta call from some Oakwood folks. Missed it. Message was better than a call would have been, I think. They are all drunk on wine, doing facials and thinking of me. Kinda sweet I think. Although, they only called to razz me about a night in which one of them gave me a serious wedgy. NOT NICE! I miss my Oakwood gang for sure.

Anyhoo. Check back on occasion just in case, but look for more regular posting come September.

Be well. Live long and Prosper. And all of that good stuff.

Thank you for reading ~ Renee

Scout

The other day, my friend Joy nicknamed me Scout. I kind of like it. I've never had a nickname that didn't already have some part of my name it. Not that I can remember anyway. We'll see if it sticks.

Of course, she is referring to my current internship. I'm on week three of location scouting for a small independent film. How crazy is that? Does that happen? You go to work on a film as a PA or assistant and end up being THE location scout by the end of day 1? Yeah, I'm not getting paid but so what. I'm getting to know the city, meeting really great people and learning invaluable research methods. Ok, not really on that last part. After all, I've always been the one to research restaurants, bars and the like. This is just expanding the subjects really. It's not an easy job. Or at least not as easy as I thought it was going to be. People don't want their business interrupted, homes invaded and often don't call you back, not to mention the amount of driving I'm doing in a walking city. At times it's tough to visualize what others envision. We all read books (or scripts) and imagine the room, the person, the scene we are reading about; usually in a very particular way. In this job, I have to imagine how the guy who wrote it sees it. So far, I think I've been on track, which is amazing and fulfilling. Maybe that means I have the chops to be a director someday? Of my own stuff?? I've never felt that my imagination was strong enough to bring things to life visually, the way filmmakers do... or to even dream them up for that matter. I think I'm finding that is not the case, even if on a very small scale. I just never had or took the opportunity to test drive this part of my brain before now.

Someone once said to me, "you will be a better artist when you learn how to play." It pissed me off at the time. Art is so subjective. As an aspiring artist I judge myself constantly and little comments like that can send me into a cave. Last year, my writing teacher said (as she raised her hand into the air way above her head) "when I read your writing, I feel like I'm way up here." What she was trying to tell me was that I was not inside what I was writing so how could she be. Whatever. Whether she was right or not, I stopped writing for months until I started this blog. I believed what she said and somehow twisted it into a very resounding "you suck."

I came to Oregon, to start over on many fronts. Creativity is not the least of those. Wintertime will provide me with a dark hole to crawl in and create. I'm very excited about it. In October, I am hopefully going to be showing in Joy's show "Art from the Ashes," in support of the Santa Barbara botanical gardens. A film internship, another art show, I'm writing again... things feel like they are moving and moving in the right direction. I have chosen to learn from the statements I previously let stop me in my tracks. Not sure if it's the fresh start, fresh surroundings or excellently sweet strawberries giving me this new perspective. What I do know is that I feel like playing, I am engaged and I am going to make it happen. While I am still iffy on the what "it" might be exactly, I do not doubt "it" will be found.

Thank you for reading ~ Renee/Scout/Nelita/Nay Nay/Anay/Nunay/Nay/Nay Bird

Weather Obsessor

There is no doubt about it. I have become obsessed with the heat. The good thing, I'm finally, ever so slightly, becoming acclimated. The funny thing, it was 106 at 545pm and at 645pm it has cooled down to a nice 105. Shilpa, the Production Manager I am working with, and I, decided to skip out on the office this afternoon in search of a nice icy place to plant our buttocks' and finish working. We found Sydney's cafe. A nice icy warehouse like cafe. It was so chilly that when it was time depart and venture to the outdoors, it actually felt kind of nice out. The thaw. That lasted about 3 minutes. Now I'm sitting in my sticky, stuffy stuffy studio apartment sucking on a Stella Artois, sweating from head to toe. Why does it bother me so when the back of my knees sweat. The rest I can deal with, sort of. The back of the knees? Slippery when legs are crossed. Drippy when sitting with feet flat on ground. Squishy if bent up with heels on rails of chair. It's just kind of gross. The Stella is tasty cold going down, but I am absolutely sure it is counter productive to the body's cooling off process. Ahhh... a breeze awakens through the window. I still have not bought popsicles. What is wrong with me? I don't want to eat, it's too hot, so I don't go to the store, so I don't own popsicles.

Scene: Renee types... stares out the window, waiting.... waiting for some hot guy to walk down the street she is looking down upon. He's supposed to bring her popsicles. What's taking him so long?
Fast forward: Renee keeps typing. It was just a daydream. No guy. No popsicles. Renee sips Stella and wonders what the heck she is going to do tonight to escape this heat.

See.. I told you I am weather obsessed. I won't bother to mention the hot guy comment since EVERYONE knows I am boy crazy.

The internship: I'm still location scouting. I was offered a "assistant producers" intern position today. Not sure what I will do about that. Get through this film I suppose and see what happens. Ramping up will probably start next week. We are short on a few locations and once we nail those down I'm sure we will go like gangbusters for at least 2 to 3 weeks. I like it! I like it A LOT!

And.... it's gone....... blog thoughts just jumped out of my brain while thoughts of a nice cold shower jumped in.

Cheers from me and Stella. ~ Renee

My horoscope today (I quite liked it): Ambition can be pretty heady, like an expensive perfume or that new car smell, and you're both drawn to it and a little afraid of it. Ambition, like most strong forces, is an excellent servant but a bad master. As long as you remain aware of your ambition and make sure it doesn't get too outsized, you should be just fine. So go ahead and reach for the stars -- they're reaching back.

NEXT!

Is it me or is he flirting? I've been sitting in my crush's cafe for over an hour. I've been paying attention. I've counted. Seven. Seven times, he has been looking at me and when I look up he smiles. This is a fairly normal occurrence so I decided to count today. I can pretty much rely on him looking at me at some point if I am looking at him or if he passes by my general vicinity or if he accidentally happens to look in my direction. No exaggeration. He goes to the restroom, he spots me. He restocks the straws and on his way back to the counter, he smiles at me. Ok, yeah, I'm looking at him too if I am actually getting a smile and smiling back, but what the hell does this mean? I am so retarded. I'm thinking, if he liked me he would go beyond the smiling after a month. I finally did the introductions as you all know. I'm thinking he has a girlfriend? I'm thinking he thinks I'm way older than he is. My friend Beth decided he is WAY younger than me so now I have that to add on to reasons why we don't get beyond big face smiles and chit chat. I'm thinking I need a life and another crush to increase the odds. I'm thinking that I am ridiculous.

It's really damn hot again today. It's making me spacey and day dreamy. I just went off into la la land. I'll spare you the gory details of my teenage style fantasies. Speaking of fantasies...I have an idea for an indie style chick flick. Anyone interested in being my writing partner? I'll do the writing... just need someone to help me along with some brainstorming and moving forward. I have the beginning, the end and the conflict ready to be turned into something more.

I went to school today. Yes. Finally. I'm really excited about getting back into the learning mode. After some discussion I may be changing tracks until I get my associates. I won't bore you with the details. As it turns out, I am already half way there so I may as well get it under my belt and move on to working on the dreams through a bachelors program instead. More meat behind the accomplishment. Don't hold me to this as I may go back to my original plan. I have to meet with a specialized school counselor before anything is decided AND I have to take the damn math test I am so dreading. You think listening to me is frustrating? Try being me!

NEWS FLASH!

UH OH! I think crush's last day was today. DAMNIT! How can that be? He just said good bye as in gave hugs good bye to his co-workers. I heard the words "good luck on your real job" and then he replied "we'll see how the project goes." Blasphemy! How could this happen? I think I am in shock............. (and being overly melodramatic for sake of blog, so really, on to the next one I suppose).

I have officially reached the sweating behind the knees stage. It's time to hit the road and sit in the air conditioned car for a minute or 10. I had a funny or stupid thought just now; "Don't sweat it."

And so to keep in line with all things new in my life, I will find a new crush to go with my new apartment, new town, new school and new friends and all will be well in the world again.

He was tall. I melted. He smiled. I felt it. His eyes were blue. So are mine. He served me coffee. I took my time. His name was Colin. Now he's gone. ~ Renee Michelle