Quiet

That's how my life feels right now. Really, really quiet. And here my friends, is where it gets hard.

I haven't blogged in a while. I was going to give it up really. Or give up on this blog anyway and start a new one. I have had a lot of ideas for new blogs but haven't followed through with a single one. I've been stuck on thoughts such as "What is my point?" or "What am I trying to accomplish?" I've decided, at least for today, who the fuck cares. I miss writing and this has provided me an outlet for the time being. Although I did start writing a book the other night.

Another thing to note is that I am not going to post this on Facebook nor will I email everyone to let them know I am blogging again. I feel like being raw, honest and putting it out there and I don't feel like advertising it. It's personal stuff and I am not looking for attention. As originally intended with this blog, "the point" is to share what it's like to start life all over again, alone, in a new place with no job in sight during a horrible recession at the age of 41.

I'm lonely. Super fucking lonely. I have less than a handful of friends and a lot of acquaintances. Sometimes I'm really busy, sometimes I go days without talking to anyone. And people wonder why I'm so chatty or hyper when they do talk to me. I spend a lot of time NOT TALKING. Maybe it's my age, I don't know but I am not in a place where I want to hang out with people anymore just for the sake of hanging out. In other words, I'm not into being around people just for the sake of not being lonely. I'm lonely because I am missing connecting with people. I'm lonely because winter is coming and I still don't have a fucking boyfriend, let alone a date. I'm lonely because I'm bored.

I'm bored. I don't have a job so I spend most of my days doing the following, in no particular order: Make bed, eat, drink iced coffee, Facebook, job hunt/apply, prep for school, spend 2 hours at gym (still not skinny), sometimes go to a cafe, sometimes go to grocery store, paint, drink wine and smoke, call friends in LA, Skype, watch TV or movies, constantly think about what the hell I am supposed to be doing, think about volunteering, think about getting a job, think about going to Spain, think about dating, think about writing, come up with ideas for pretty much everything without following through, network, think think, think, and think.....

I was listening to Obama speak today about Job creation in the US. He said this: "With one in 10 Americans out of work, and millions more underemployed, not having enough hours to support themselves, this is a struggle that cuts deep, and it touches people across this nation. Every day I meet people or I hear from people who talk about sending out resume after resume, and they've been on the job hunt for a year or year and a half and still can't find anything and are desperate. They haven't just lost the paycheck they need to live; they're losing the sense of dignity and identity that comes from having a job."

While I was listening to this portion of the speech I felt deeply affected. The strange thing is that I don't feel like I have lost my dignity, at least not consciously. As for having lost my identity, I wonder if I ever had one. And what a great opportunity it is to have this time to try and figure that out. A few of my close and oldest friends have recently informed me that they think I am suffering from defeat. I believe one of them used the word "deflated." Aside from being lonely and a bored, I mostly feel great and even lucky. I am no doubt, lost. I am no doubt, broke. But I am not depressed and every day I am thankful to have a roof over my head and people in my life that care about me. Am I making the right decision taking this time to figure things out rather than taking a job (that I'm not even sure I could get at this point) at the local 7Eleven? Who knows. Does it all make my head spin? Yes. Does it make me feel deflated? Sometimes.

I've definitely found myself in some mud at the moment. My unemployment just ran out for the third time. Now I get to play the wait and see game to find out if I will be getting a third extension. I wrecked my car two weeks ago and had to fork out 700 bucks I don't have for the deductible and for the rental car I used. I almost had a job and then I didn't. It was a good job and even though I wasn't qualified for it in many ways, I still felt somehow that I did something to sabotage myself. Of course, that is all in my head. I had a falling out with a close friend over Thanksgiving. Winter is here, the holidays are coming and suddenly I realize, as if seeing it in flashing lights on a billboard, I AM ALONE.

I am lucky in so many ways for the life I have lived up until now and for the life I will lead. I am smart enough to realize that my favorite quote, "this too shall pass," is my favorite quote for a reason. If it were you that had just moved to a new city and you called me for advice I'd remind you that in fact, you are not alone and will have many local friends soon enough and that eventually this will seem like a blip in time. If you called me to lament about how you were a failure and wondered "what the hell you had done with all of your time off?" I would tell you to hang in there and remind you of all things you have done in the past year and all the things you are doing to make the best of your future.

Why is it that we always choose to befriend our "critic?" He is not very nice you know.

~renee

Ten Day Countdown

I created this blog over a month ago, and like Vickie, am just now writing my first entry. Moving takes a lot of time and energy and writing takes me making time. The two things sometimes don't go so well together. I too am going to refrain from going backward in time and would like to take this opportunity to direct you to the "about us" section for a brief history.

Today I sit in my living room, half of which is filled with boxes, procrastinating the last tasks which involve packing dishes and shredding paperwork. While packing sucks, I do not question the move. I'm doing it. Last week was a little rocky but I got through it. Now I sit here and wonder how I accumulated all of this shit in five years. At some point I told myself that it was time to grow up and stop living like a vagabond. Time to own some stuff, like furniture, and more than one set of sheets, time to nest. Now, as I look at the stack of cardboard squares I wonder if living like a vagabond up until my 30's wasn't a better idea. It certainly made for an easier move.

It's crunch time. I have 2 pods coming next week and some mover guy coming the following day to pack them up for me. The good bye's start this weekend. Actually, they started last weekend in Joshua Tree. Or maybe they started a few weeks ago in Palm Springs. I have not gotten sad yet. Maybe it doesn't seem real. Maybe I'm too busy obsessing over where I am going to put the moving Pods when they get here. Transference? Frankly, I'm dreading good bye. I can only think about today or I start to hyperventilate. Not really. I'm just being dramatic. I should be, in theory, completely freaked out by my mostly calm demeanor.

My mind is wandering from this page, to the kitchen that needs to be packed, to the phone call I owe Vickie, to the people I am saying goodbye to on Saturday, to the lists I need to review so I can remember all the other things that are not passing through my brain at the moment. With that said, I think I just have to let it be that sometimes I am not going to have anything meaningful to say. But, to write is good, to blog is fun and to share experiences is fulfilling somehow.

And so it begins....

Renee

Retrospective Prespective

I've been in Santa Fe for just a little over a month now and have failed to write until now. So instead of trying to go back and write a play by play I am just going to start with where I am right now and what it is that I am trying to make sense of.

Living what you need. . . .

Why is it that we have such a need to fill every moment of everyday with non-sense? We have a million emails to answer or calls to return; Facebook walls to write on, planes to catch and meetings to make. Every task becomes more urgent then the last until one day we get a rude awakening or a sign that life should be more rewarding and meaningful. This can come in any form, health, job loss, death or illness of a loved one. These are bigger things than us alone. But why does it take so many signs to wake us up? Why are we always willing to go out on a limb for something or someone other than ourselves?

This was me on so many levels for so many years. I was always in search of the next best thing. Searching for something to make it better; trying to reward myself because I made it through another day. So I shopped too much, drank too much, spend exuberant amounts of money on booze and dinners, traveled as often as I could as far as I could get or as far as the corporate ball & chain allowed me to go. I had to play as hard as I worked to fill this black hole; happily denying its existence.

Most people think a yearly 2 week holiday is enough to make us feel happy and content but then you’re back, and spend the next 6 months planning your next great escape and counting the days. And counting the days to what exactly? Another over priced, mediocre vacation, held up in a hotel - whatever its rating. It’s just a way of filling the void, once again.

When we were younger we were taught to believe in our hopes and dreams. Why and when did we stop dreaming? Because it’s childish? Yeah it’s silly, you try and convince yourself. Besides, you’re a responsible adult with a good job. You make a good living and that should be enough. And then, someone pulls the rug out from under you and what do you do? . . . . . .You live. You live better then you’ve ever lived before. You discover things in life that you never knew you were missing until they stared you hard in the face.

So, are your dreams as foolish as you once thought? Are you willing to put it out there and hope for the best? Fool or not, you have nothing to lose. And if you fail you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on to something better.

Trust me, the things you thought were so important a year ago mean almost nothing today.

So what’s stopping you now?

Vickie