Job Hunting

I think they should actually call job hunting, "life sucking." Because, really, let us not fool ourselves, that's all that is going on. Several hours spent perusing the internet for a handful of jobs that I will apply for, which will take several more hours to do. The chances of me hearing back are slim. I am not being negative, but really, just referring to my experience up to now. I really depsise the whole process. It has taken far too many hours of my life this past year that I will never get back.

What does one do to get a job if they don't want to look for a job?

I was talking to previously mentioned ex last night. You know, the one I am rooming with. Anyway, we were talking about how this time is so fucking crazy. There are no jobs. There are thousands upon thousands of people unemployed. The government is supporting all of us jobless people and paying us fairly well I must say. I am making more than $10 bucks an hour on unemployment. Not that I am enjoying it. It is always hanging over your head that, given the right mix of mood and circumstance an underpaid government worker can decide to pull it out from under you at any moment. That kind of sucks and keeps you from screwing off too much. However, at that rate of pay, it makes it difficult to take a job that pays 10-12 bucks an hour. Although, I am reaching the point that working for my money is sounding really fulfilling.

In the 9 months or so that I have not worked I have figured many things out but I'm not sure it's gotten me anywhere just yet. Delusions of grandeur? BK told me to squash those thoughts. "They are bad for you," he says.

My state of mind is pretty good. It's just that as I grow closer and closer to having an apartment and a routine... I wonder, what will I do and how will this all play out? "Remember the logic. Why you came here..." I tell myself.

I'm going to the beach next week for three days. No, I can't afford it but that's what credit cards are for right? Debt, cigarettes, living out of a suitcase... I've (re)taken up a few bad habits lately. I'm ok with it. It's all temporary and I feel like I'm living instead of slowly dying at my desk, in my kitchen/office in LA as I spend 40+ hours a week having the life sucked out of me (job hunting). So, while I'm at the beach I plan to go on some long walks, take some photos, stare at the ocean, dine alone (which I hate to do for any meal other than breakfast for some reason), put my feet in sand and do some writing.

I have an idea for a chick flick script. I read a book recently in which one of the characters was obsessed with romance novels. That was not the main story line, however, by the end of the book, she chucked it all (her job) and decided to start writing them herself because she enjoyed them so much. Being the sappy, easy to please, chick flick sucker that I am, I've decided to copy this fictional persons endeavor.

All right. My butt is falling asleep and I am just over my 2 hour mark here. I start to feel like I need to buy something else when I get over this amount of time. The cafe guys are off somewhere doing something and could care less that my ass is creating a permanent mark in this chair... but... still....

Before I go.... I have to give mention to my friend Joy. Turns out that Art from the Ashes has partnered with the Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens. They apparently had quite a bit of damage in the fires this year. I believe all proceeds for the show will be going to rebuild the gardens. I will be participating as an artist again. I'm so excited for Joy, for the opportunity and to be a part of something so important. I will post the link to the press release as soon as it is up on the AFTA website.

Renee

Opposable Thumbs

Today's title refers to the name of the cafe I am sitting in. I like it here. Two dollar Iced Americanos served in a Pint Glass is pure happiness. They have low comfy chairs here, with a sort of living room slash art gallery thing going on. When I walked in I thought maybe it was more bar than coffee shop since the chalk board behind the counter has "drinks" on it and the one to the side has coffee stuff on it. But, after hanging here for the past hour I think it's just a cafe that serves drinks. Drinks like Spiced Rum Chai, Hot Makers Toddy and Harvey Wallbangers. I'll have to come back here on a winter afternoon for a toddy and some writing.

My mental state is much better today. I spent several hours on the phone yesterday dealing with more things gone wrong. The morning started with me missing an unemployment call I didn't know had been scheduled yet. I never got the letter. Seventeen calls later I found out the interviewer went ahead and approved me to continue getting unemployment even though he didn't talk to me. Lucky me. Still, I had to wonder why I hadn't received the letter, or any mail for that matter. I called my post office in Los Angeles. Turns out they are holding my mail until June 29th because either I screwed up or they did. Either way it doesn't matter. I have no choice but to start the whole change of address process all over again because they only accept corrections in writing via the US POSTAL SERVICE. No phone calls, no emails. So then I call the Portland post office because I want to make sure there are no issues on this end. I had changed my address directly with a couple of places. Given the way things have been going and the fact that I have not received one piece of mail I thought it best to check in. Guess what. They never labeled my PO Box, so all of my mail has been blocked on this end as well. Seriously, I had to laugh and cry.

At the end of all that, I finally returned some phone calls to friends in Los Angeles. I had a good cry. I went to Powells and picked up a couple of heady books and spent the night reading and drinking wine.

I woke up this morning and I feel different. Finally, something clicked into place. I'm here. Things have kind of sucked. I'm starting to roll with it. I'm leaving town for the weekend. I have no idea what I will do next week. Each day, I do whatever I do. In 3 weeks I will have an apartment and start a routine. For now, I'm a gypsy. I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. I really don't know what is different today. I just feel lighter. Maybe I let go a little. Maybe time is doing its healing thing. The sun is not out, so we can't give it any credit. Let's just go with it. Renee feels good today, even silly. Now that my head is raising above water I need to get school or work sorted out.

The movie I was going to work on is a no go for now. Postponed until September. The catering gig I had a connection with has not replied. My most recent job lead led to a wall. Next, school and job hunting. It's all good. This part was sort of expected. It's a national condition. You can see it in the cafe's of both Los Angeles and Portland. All day, every day, people are on the net "searching (seeking)."

Anyway, Craigslist awaits. Oh, and I just finished the book "Lowboy." I give it two opposable thumbs up.

- Renee

The Perfect Storm

I made it into Portland on Thursday afternoon. The drive was amazingly beautiful. I had forgotten how amazing Southern Oregon is. Lush. The views distracted me from the time on the road making it pass quickly. That is until I was around 3 hours south of Portland. That's where the storm started. I drove through 30 miles of sheet rain, floods, thunder and lightning (coming down on both sides of my car). It was scary and exciting. My heart was racing, my fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel as I sat forward with my face almost pressed to the windshield. I drive sitting forward like a granny when I'm excited or nervous, or both. Anyway, I made it through safe and sound, pulling into my brothers just in time to settle in before the storm hit Portland. We watched the trees bend, his parking lot flood and turned on the news to hear talk of tornados. Apparently, the weather system was coming in from all directions mixing up the "perfect storm." Portland's Facebook lit up with weather chatter. An old friend stated "I thought we were having a storm and then I realized it was just you arriving into town." Funny stuff.

That storm was thrilling and short lived. By the next morning the sky cleared only to make way for what would be the start of my own personal shit storm. Saturday came and I was hit with a tornado. By Sunday I had lost ALL my bearings and for the first time in years, felt like I was drowning. I refrain from sharing details only because I don't know that they are important to this blog. Suffice it to say that I drove into Portland and somehow took a wrong turn ending up in Drama-town.

In all of this turmoil I have had a hard time eating and sleeping, leaving me ill equipped to deal with the stress. It's funny that we do things counterintuitive to bettering our situation. Finally, last night, in my third place of residence since arriving, I got eight hours of sleep for the first time in over a week. I hoped to awaken refreshed and with a clearer mind. I did feel rested finally but as the sleep cleared from my mind it became clear I that I still felt as horrid as I had the day before. For the past 24 hours all I have been thinking is "what the hell have I done? did I make a mistake in coming here?"

I have hesitated to reach out to my friends for fear of them telling me "YES!, you made a mistake, come back!" I feel fear that I have already failed. I feel lost. I feel homeless. I feel grey.

The sun came out this afternoon. I sat in it for at least an hour. I'm feeling a bit better as the day goes on.

Our friend Vickie said to me in an email today, "Maybe it is easier to move some place where you know no one, that way there is little expectation." I think that while I may not have been in touch with any expectations, I had them.

The point of me talking about this (even in all it's vagueness), is to share with you the hard parts. I've moved around a lot in my life and gone on adventures and looking back, I don't really remember the hard parts. All this leaping into the abyss is bound to bring, at very least, a challenge or two. Yesterday, I didn't think I was going to be up for it and wanted to bail. Today, I'm winning that battle, slowly, very slowly.

I got lost in the clouds for a few days there. It's important to remember that this storm, as all storms do, will pass. Even if it doesn't seem like it ever will... I just have to keep reminding myself that it ALWAYS does.

So, it's been a rough start. I don't know how fast it will get better or easier. It could be in 3 weeks when I move into my new apartment (yes I got a place and I am dropping off the check tonight) or 3 months. Either way, when the good stuff comes it will mean all the more for having gone through this time. What's that stupid saying? No pain, no gain? Lemons into lemonade? See, there are even sayings about all this trial and tribulation stuff we go through.

"This too shall pass."

Thank you for reading ~ Renee

Tuesday

I can't believe it's Tuesday already and that I'm leaving next Monday. I'm sitting on my couch with my legs propped up on one of my two ottoman's for the final time. I am waiting, as I scarf down a Starbucks lowfat turkey bacon breakfast sandwich and wash it down with an iced venti americano (no bubble lids, no long straws please). Some girl is on her way here from Hollywood to pick up the ottomans and pay me a measly 10 bucks for both of them. What a rip off. A rip off I agreed to. My living room, aside from the mountain of home depot boxes to my right, is almost empty. My mom took the end table I was trying to sell on Craigslist, a girl and her mom came by and got my coffee table last night. Today I'm saying good bye to my ottomans/foot rests/desk chairs/guest chairs (all the same thing if you didn't catch that). It's the end of an era saying goodbye to them. They came with the first couch and chair I bought on my own (and am still trying to sell or give away). I will miss the ottomans in a "thank god they are gone" kind of way.

Recapping the weekend... Friday night I had dinner with a very close friend. The meal and conversation was great. The service sucked. You can't have everything. Saturday was my first going away party. It was lovely and beautiful and fabulous and touching and everything I could have asked for. I had so much fun and I am so thankful for all the wonderful people I have in my life. Yes, I cried, a little, when I had to say goodnight to a few people. But only because they all mean so much to me and its hard sometimes to reconcile that leaving doesn't mean leaving friends behind. It just means that things will change and, as usual, change is exciting and scary. So you ask, how do we get past the weepies? We wake up Sunday and go to a crazy fun Memorial Day BBQ. Burgers, beers, corn-hole (the game), shots, more shots, potato salad, jello shots, more corn-hole, strawberries, steaks, wine, spritzers. Yes, I'm that list only contains the things I took part in. I know what you are thinking... grow up? Well, it was a lot of fun and everyone behaved, which is kind of a miracle. Yesterday was spent watching movies recuperating in the lazy lair at Nat's (she lives upstairs).

So now, being that it is Tuesday, the sprint begins. I'm too serious about my "list" today to worry about my feelings. I'm actually happy for the distractions of the next couple of days as I think it will help keep my feet on the ground. Today I say good bye to upstairs Nat. Tonight I dine with some family. Tomorrow, THE POD ARRIVES!

Tuesday, the day before the pod arrives. Tuesday, the day I let go of the place I rest my feet. Tuesday, the day I arrive in Portland next week. Tuesday, today.

Why Portland?

As my final days in Los Angeles creep closer, the question of the hour seems to be, "Why Portland? What's there? A job? A man?" Each time I am asked that question it catches me off guard just a little bit. After all, I have said for years that I would "NEVER" return to Portland. Never say never, cliche as it is...

It started out as a seed. Someone close to me planted it. After several months of unemployment and job search frustration I of course listened and then promptly said "no way."

A few weeks, and many many hours of job searching later I sat at my desk, head in my hands, and realized I was not only depressed, I was losing confidence in myself and my ability to do any kind of job. Looking for a job is very demoralizing if you ask me. If you aren't being rejected, you are being ignored. I let my finances keep me from going out and volunteering or spending time doing creative things I might have enjoyed. Instead, I made my job looking for a job. I would do things a lot differently if I had it to do over but I don't believe in spending time in regret.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Money was running out, the depression was paralyzing me and the realization that I had to do something, anything, was all I could think about. "But what?" Hadn't I just spent the last 6 months obsessing over this exact thing? What to do? How to turn this time off into an opportunity? And then that same friend called. Hearing the the despair in my voice he threw me a rope. "Why don't you just come up here for a while. A friend of mine has a room you can rent for dirt cheap and you can store your stuff in my basement. It will be a change of scenery and shake things up, which is always good." The seed took sprout.

The decision to go was not an easy one. I stressed, vacillated, got second and third opinions and changed my mind several times. As I started to lean in a NW direction, interesting things started happening. I was offered an opportunity to work on a film. Something I have very recently become interested in. I was getting positive responses from employers I reached out to with inquiries. I was offered several places to stay from high school friends, friends of friends and family (my brother and second cousin live there) while I got settled. I had rooms for rent being offered through friends. All indicators pointed North.

If you ask me today, "why Portland," I would probably ramble off a list such as this:
It's a place I once called home. It's a very cool city with a lot happening in it. It's beautiful. It's super cheap, hopefully affording me the luxury of pursuing some new dreams and a completely new career. I have a few friends and a bit of family, providing me a small support system. It's green in color and thought. There is great food, beer and wine. The art scene is pretty great and being that it is smaller, may be a little easier to break into. Oh.... and there are hot guys there now! And, of course, last but not least.... COFFEE!

Today, as I only have a few final boxes to be packed... the plant has taken root. Maybe I don't seem so sure of my reasons when asked "Why Portland?" but I am going, and so I offer back... "Why not?" Change is good. No, actually, change is great!

Renee

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” - Henry David Thoreau

Ten Day Countdown

I created this blog over a month ago, and like Vickie, am just now writing my first entry. Moving takes a lot of time and energy and writing takes me making time. The two things sometimes don't go so well together. I too am going to refrain from going backward in time and would like to take this opportunity to direct you to the "about us" section for a brief history.

Today I sit in my living room, half of which is filled with boxes, procrastinating the last tasks which involve packing dishes and shredding paperwork. While packing sucks, I do not question the move. I'm doing it. Last week was a little rocky but I got through it. Now I sit here and wonder how I accumulated all of this shit in five years. At some point I told myself that it was time to grow up and stop living like a vagabond. Time to own some stuff, like furniture, and more than one set of sheets, time to nest. Now, as I look at the stack of cardboard squares I wonder if living like a vagabond up until my 30's wasn't a better idea. It certainly made for an easier move.

It's crunch time. I have 2 pods coming next week and some mover guy coming the following day to pack them up for me. The good bye's start this weekend. Actually, they started last weekend in Joshua Tree. Or maybe they started a few weeks ago in Palm Springs. I have not gotten sad yet. Maybe it doesn't seem real. Maybe I'm too busy obsessing over where I am going to put the moving Pods when they get here. Transference? Frankly, I'm dreading good bye. I can only think about today or I start to hyperventilate. Not really. I'm just being dramatic. I should be, in theory, completely freaked out by my mostly calm demeanor.

My mind is wandering from this page, to the kitchen that needs to be packed, to the phone call I owe Vickie, to the people I am saying goodbye to on Saturday, to the lists I need to review so I can remember all the other things that are not passing through my brain at the moment. With that said, I think I just have to let it be that sometimes I am not going to have anything meaningful to say. But, to write is good, to blog is fun and to share experiences is fulfilling somehow.

And so it begins....

Renee

Retrospective Prespective

I've been in Santa Fe for just a little over a month now and have failed to write until now. So instead of trying to go back and write a play by play I am just going to start with where I am right now and what it is that I am trying to make sense of.

Living what you need. . . .

Why is it that we have such a need to fill every moment of everyday with non-sense? We have a million emails to answer or calls to return; Facebook walls to write on, planes to catch and meetings to make. Every task becomes more urgent then the last until one day we get a rude awakening or a sign that life should be more rewarding and meaningful. This can come in any form, health, job loss, death or illness of a loved one. These are bigger things than us alone. But why does it take so many signs to wake us up? Why are we always willing to go out on a limb for something or someone other than ourselves?

This was me on so many levels for so many years. I was always in search of the next best thing. Searching for something to make it better; trying to reward myself because I made it through another day. So I shopped too much, drank too much, spend exuberant amounts of money on booze and dinners, traveled as often as I could as far as I could get or as far as the corporate ball & chain allowed me to go. I had to play as hard as I worked to fill this black hole; happily denying its existence.

Most people think a yearly 2 week holiday is enough to make us feel happy and content but then you’re back, and spend the next 6 months planning your next great escape and counting the days. And counting the days to what exactly? Another over priced, mediocre vacation, held up in a hotel - whatever its rating. It’s just a way of filling the void, once again.

When we were younger we were taught to believe in our hopes and dreams. Why and when did we stop dreaming? Because it’s childish? Yeah it’s silly, you try and convince yourself. Besides, you’re a responsible adult with a good job. You make a good living and that should be enough. And then, someone pulls the rug out from under you and what do you do? . . . . . .You live. You live better then you’ve ever lived before. You discover things in life that you never knew you were missing until they stared you hard in the face.

So, are your dreams as foolish as you once thought? Are you willing to put it out there and hope for the best? Fool or not, you have nothing to lose. And if you fail you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get on to something better.

Trust me, the things you thought were so important a year ago mean almost nothing today.

So what’s stopping you now?

Vickie