Quiet

That's how my life feels right now. Really, really quiet. And here my friends, is where it gets hard.

I haven't blogged in a while. I was going to give it up really. Or give up on this blog anyway and start a new one. I have had a lot of ideas for new blogs but haven't followed through with a single one. I've been stuck on thoughts such as "What is my point?" or "What am I trying to accomplish?" I've decided, at least for today, who the fuck cares. I miss writing and this has provided me an outlet for the time being. Although I did start writing a book the other night.

Another thing to note is that I am not going to post this on Facebook nor will I email everyone to let them know I am blogging again. I feel like being raw, honest and putting it out there and I don't feel like advertising it. It's personal stuff and I am not looking for attention. As originally intended with this blog, "the point" is to share what it's like to start life all over again, alone, in a new place with no job in sight during a horrible recession at the age of 41.

I'm lonely. Super fucking lonely. I have less than a handful of friends and a lot of acquaintances. Sometimes I'm really busy, sometimes I go days without talking to anyone. And people wonder why I'm so chatty or hyper when they do talk to me. I spend a lot of time NOT TALKING. Maybe it's my age, I don't know but I am not in a place where I want to hang out with people anymore just for the sake of hanging out. In other words, I'm not into being around people just for the sake of not being lonely. I'm lonely because I am missing connecting with people. I'm lonely because winter is coming and I still don't have a fucking boyfriend, let alone a date. I'm lonely because I'm bored.

I'm bored. I don't have a job so I spend most of my days doing the following, in no particular order: Make bed, eat, drink iced coffee, Facebook, job hunt/apply, prep for school, spend 2 hours at gym (still not skinny), sometimes go to a cafe, sometimes go to grocery store, paint, drink wine and smoke, call friends in LA, Skype, watch TV or movies, constantly think about what the hell I am supposed to be doing, think about volunteering, think about getting a job, think about going to Spain, think about dating, think about writing, come up with ideas for pretty much everything without following through, network, think think, think, and think.....

I was listening to Obama speak today about Job creation in the US. He said this: "With one in 10 Americans out of work, and millions more underemployed, not having enough hours to support themselves, this is a struggle that cuts deep, and it touches people across this nation. Every day I meet people or I hear from people who talk about sending out resume after resume, and they've been on the job hunt for a year or year and a half and still can't find anything and are desperate. They haven't just lost the paycheck they need to live; they're losing the sense of dignity and identity that comes from having a job."

While I was listening to this portion of the speech I felt deeply affected. The strange thing is that I don't feel like I have lost my dignity, at least not consciously. As for having lost my identity, I wonder if I ever had one. And what a great opportunity it is to have this time to try and figure that out. A few of my close and oldest friends have recently informed me that they think I am suffering from defeat. I believe one of them used the word "deflated." Aside from being lonely and a bored, I mostly feel great and even lucky. I am no doubt, lost. I am no doubt, broke. But I am not depressed and every day I am thankful to have a roof over my head and people in my life that care about me. Am I making the right decision taking this time to figure things out rather than taking a job (that I'm not even sure I could get at this point) at the local 7Eleven? Who knows. Does it all make my head spin? Yes. Does it make me feel deflated? Sometimes.

I've definitely found myself in some mud at the moment. My unemployment just ran out for the third time. Now I get to play the wait and see game to find out if I will be getting a third extension. I wrecked my car two weeks ago and had to fork out 700 bucks I don't have for the deductible and for the rental car I used. I almost had a job and then I didn't. It was a good job and even though I wasn't qualified for it in many ways, I still felt somehow that I did something to sabotage myself. Of course, that is all in my head. I had a falling out with a close friend over Thanksgiving. Winter is here, the holidays are coming and suddenly I realize, as if seeing it in flashing lights on a billboard, I AM ALONE.

I am lucky in so many ways for the life I have lived up until now and for the life I will lead. I am smart enough to realize that my favorite quote, "this too shall pass," is my favorite quote for a reason. If it were you that had just moved to a new city and you called me for advice I'd remind you that in fact, you are not alone and will have many local friends soon enough and that eventually this will seem like a blip in time. If you called me to lament about how you were a failure and wondered "what the hell you had done with all of your time off?" I would tell you to hang in there and remind you of all things you have done in the past year and all the things you are doing to make the best of your future.

Why is it that we always choose to befriend our "critic?" He is not very nice you know.

~renee

Job Hunting

I think they should actually call job hunting, "life sucking." Because, really, let us not fool ourselves, that's all that is going on. Several hours spent perusing the internet for a handful of jobs that I will apply for, which will take several more hours to do. The chances of me hearing back are slim. I am not being negative, but really, just referring to my experience up to now. I really depsise the whole process. It has taken far too many hours of my life this past year that I will never get back.

What does one do to get a job if they don't want to look for a job?

I was talking to previously mentioned ex last night. You know, the one I am rooming with. Anyway, we were talking about how this time is so fucking crazy. There are no jobs. There are thousands upon thousands of people unemployed. The government is supporting all of us jobless people and paying us fairly well I must say. I am making more than $10 bucks an hour on unemployment. Not that I am enjoying it. It is always hanging over your head that, given the right mix of mood and circumstance an underpaid government worker can decide to pull it out from under you at any moment. That kind of sucks and keeps you from screwing off too much. However, at that rate of pay, it makes it difficult to take a job that pays 10-12 bucks an hour. Although, I am reaching the point that working for my money is sounding really fulfilling.

In the 9 months or so that I have not worked I have figured many things out but I'm not sure it's gotten me anywhere just yet. Delusions of grandeur? BK told me to squash those thoughts. "They are bad for you," he says.

My state of mind is pretty good. It's just that as I grow closer and closer to having an apartment and a routine... I wonder, what will I do and how will this all play out? "Remember the logic. Why you came here..." I tell myself.

I'm going to the beach next week for three days. No, I can't afford it but that's what credit cards are for right? Debt, cigarettes, living out of a suitcase... I've (re)taken up a few bad habits lately. I'm ok with it. It's all temporary and I feel like I'm living instead of slowly dying at my desk, in my kitchen/office in LA as I spend 40+ hours a week having the life sucked out of me (job hunting). So, while I'm at the beach I plan to go on some long walks, take some photos, stare at the ocean, dine alone (which I hate to do for any meal other than breakfast for some reason), put my feet in sand and do some writing.

I have an idea for a chick flick script. I read a book recently in which one of the characters was obsessed with romance novels. That was not the main story line, however, by the end of the book, she chucked it all (her job) and decided to start writing them herself because she enjoyed them so much. Being the sappy, easy to please, chick flick sucker that I am, I've decided to copy this fictional persons endeavor.

All right. My butt is falling asleep and I am just over my 2 hour mark here. I start to feel like I need to buy something else when I get over this amount of time. The cafe guys are off somewhere doing something and could care less that my ass is creating a permanent mark in this chair... but... still....

Before I go.... I have to give mention to my friend Joy. Turns out that Art from the Ashes has partnered with the Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens. They apparently had quite a bit of damage in the fires this year. I believe all proceeds for the show will be going to rebuild the gardens. I will be participating as an artist again. I'm so excited for Joy, for the opportunity and to be a part of something so important. I will post the link to the press release as soon as it is up on the AFTA website.

Renee

Opposable Thumbs

Today's title refers to the name of the cafe I am sitting in. I like it here. Two dollar Iced Americanos served in a Pint Glass is pure happiness. They have low comfy chairs here, with a sort of living room slash art gallery thing going on. When I walked in I thought maybe it was more bar than coffee shop since the chalk board behind the counter has "drinks" on it and the one to the side has coffee stuff on it. But, after hanging here for the past hour I think it's just a cafe that serves drinks. Drinks like Spiced Rum Chai, Hot Makers Toddy and Harvey Wallbangers. I'll have to come back here on a winter afternoon for a toddy and some writing.

My mental state is much better today. I spent several hours on the phone yesterday dealing with more things gone wrong. The morning started with me missing an unemployment call I didn't know had been scheduled yet. I never got the letter. Seventeen calls later I found out the interviewer went ahead and approved me to continue getting unemployment even though he didn't talk to me. Lucky me. Still, I had to wonder why I hadn't received the letter, or any mail for that matter. I called my post office in Los Angeles. Turns out they are holding my mail until June 29th because either I screwed up or they did. Either way it doesn't matter. I have no choice but to start the whole change of address process all over again because they only accept corrections in writing via the US POSTAL SERVICE. No phone calls, no emails. So then I call the Portland post office because I want to make sure there are no issues on this end. I had changed my address directly with a couple of places. Given the way things have been going and the fact that I have not received one piece of mail I thought it best to check in. Guess what. They never labeled my PO Box, so all of my mail has been blocked on this end as well. Seriously, I had to laugh and cry.

At the end of all that, I finally returned some phone calls to friends in Los Angeles. I had a good cry. I went to Powells and picked up a couple of heady books and spent the night reading and drinking wine.

I woke up this morning and I feel different. Finally, something clicked into place. I'm here. Things have kind of sucked. I'm starting to roll with it. I'm leaving town for the weekend. I have no idea what I will do next week. Each day, I do whatever I do. In 3 weeks I will have an apartment and start a routine. For now, I'm a gypsy. I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. I really don't know what is different today. I just feel lighter. Maybe I let go a little. Maybe time is doing its healing thing. The sun is not out, so we can't give it any credit. Let's just go with it. Renee feels good today, even silly. Now that my head is raising above water I need to get school or work sorted out.

The movie I was going to work on is a no go for now. Postponed until September. The catering gig I had a connection with has not replied. My most recent job lead led to a wall. Next, school and job hunting. It's all good. This part was sort of expected. It's a national condition. You can see it in the cafe's of both Los Angeles and Portland. All day, every day, people are on the net "searching (seeking)."

Anyway, Craigslist awaits. Oh, and I just finished the book "Lowboy." I give it two opposable thumbs up.

- Renee

Countdown

It's hitting me hard this morning. I'm 99% packed, the good bye parties start tonight and I am a bit of a mess. I'm a bitch and a cry baby. Yep... messy. I've managed to be mean to my mom, cry on every phone call I've received this morning and all of it comes as a surprise to me somehow.

Tonight, I will be dining with 13 of my very good friends. It will be the kind of dinner party we all enjoy. Outdoors, in the warmth of the valley, wine and cheese followed by a three course meal and more wine. Everyone will laugh and I will most likely end up being roasted. I am going to miss these times.

This morning, my friend Chris reminded me that I should be feeling this way. "It may not seem like a big deal because you are going to Portland where you know people but you are in fact uprooting your whole life. That IS a big deal." My friend Terry told me I was "right on schedule..." with my morning meltdown.

I sucked it up and asked for moral support on Thursday when the movers come. I don't ask for help very easily or obviously. Terry offered morning wine or extra strong coffee. Chris offered to call in sick. At this point, I don't need any help with the boxes but I may need a friend or two to lift me up that day.

Don't get me wrong. I'm excited about this move. I am especially stoked about the road trip up to Portland (me, my car, the speed and my music on lots of open road). Today, however, I am sad to leave and say farewell to so many great people.

Renee

PS - Vickie has a visitor in from out of town for the week. You probably won't hear from her until after that friend leaves. Thanks for reading!

Why Portland?

As my final days in Los Angeles creep closer, the question of the hour seems to be, "Why Portland? What's there? A job? A man?" Each time I am asked that question it catches me off guard just a little bit. After all, I have said for years that I would "NEVER" return to Portland. Never say never, cliche as it is...

It started out as a seed. Someone close to me planted it. After several months of unemployment and job search frustration I of course listened and then promptly said "no way."

A few weeks, and many many hours of job searching later I sat at my desk, head in my hands, and realized I was not only depressed, I was losing confidence in myself and my ability to do any kind of job. Looking for a job is very demoralizing if you ask me. If you aren't being rejected, you are being ignored. I let my finances keep me from going out and volunteering or spending time doing creative things I might have enjoyed. Instead, I made my job looking for a job. I would do things a lot differently if I had it to do over but I don't believe in spending time in regret.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Money was running out, the depression was paralyzing me and the realization that I had to do something, anything, was all I could think about. "But what?" Hadn't I just spent the last 6 months obsessing over this exact thing? What to do? How to turn this time off into an opportunity? And then that same friend called. Hearing the the despair in my voice he threw me a rope. "Why don't you just come up here for a while. A friend of mine has a room you can rent for dirt cheap and you can store your stuff in my basement. It will be a change of scenery and shake things up, which is always good." The seed took sprout.

The decision to go was not an easy one. I stressed, vacillated, got second and third opinions and changed my mind several times. As I started to lean in a NW direction, interesting things started happening. I was offered an opportunity to work on a film. Something I have very recently become interested in. I was getting positive responses from employers I reached out to with inquiries. I was offered several places to stay from high school friends, friends of friends and family (my brother and second cousin live there) while I got settled. I had rooms for rent being offered through friends. All indicators pointed North.

If you ask me today, "why Portland," I would probably ramble off a list such as this:
It's a place I once called home. It's a very cool city with a lot happening in it. It's beautiful. It's super cheap, hopefully affording me the luxury of pursuing some new dreams and a completely new career. I have a few friends and a bit of family, providing me a small support system. It's green in color and thought. There is great food, beer and wine. The art scene is pretty great and being that it is smaller, may be a little easier to break into. Oh.... and there are hot guys there now! And, of course, last but not least.... COFFEE!

Today, as I only have a few final boxes to be packed... the plant has taken root. Maybe I don't seem so sure of my reasons when asked "Why Portland?" but I am going, and so I offer back... "Why not?" Change is good. No, actually, change is great!

Renee

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” - Henry David Thoreau