Job Hunting

I think they should actually call job hunting, "life sucking." Because, really, let us not fool ourselves, that's all that is going on. Several hours spent perusing the internet for a handful of jobs that I will apply for, which will take several more hours to do. The chances of me hearing back are slim. I am not being negative, but really, just referring to my experience up to now. I really depsise the whole process. It has taken far too many hours of my life this past year that I will never get back.

What does one do to get a job if they don't want to look for a job?

I was talking to previously mentioned ex last night. You know, the one I am rooming with. Anyway, we were talking about how this time is so fucking crazy. There are no jobs. There are thousands upon thousands of people unemployed. The government is supporting all of us jobless people and paying us fairly well I must say. I am making more than $10 bucks an hour on unemployment. Not that I am enjoying it. It is always hanging over your head that, given the right mix of mood and circumstance an underpaid government worker can decide to pull it out from under you at any moment. That kind of sucks and keeps you from screwing off too much. However, at that rate of pay, it makes it difficult to take a job that pays 10-12 bucks an hour. Although, I am reaching the point that working for my money is sounding really fulfilling.

In the 9 months or so that I have not worked I have figured many things out but I'm not sure it's gotten me anywhere just yet. Delusions of grandeur? BK told me to squash those thoughts. "They are bad for you," he says.

My state of mind is pretty good. It's just that as I grow closer and closer to having an apartment and a routine... I wonder, what will I do and how will this all play out? "Remember the logic. Why you came here..." I tell myself.

I'm going to the beach next week for three days. No, I can't afford it but that's what credit cards are for right? Debt, cigarettes, living out of a suitcase... I've (re)taken up a few bad habits lately. I'm ok with it. It's all temporary and I feel like I'm living instead of slowly dying at my desk, in my kitchen/office in LA as I spend 40+ hours a week having the life sucked out of me (job hunting). So, while I'm at the beach I plan to go on some long walks, take some photos, stare at the ocean, dine alone (which I hate to do for any meal other than breakfast for some reason), put my feet in sand and do some writing.

I have an idea for a chick flick script. I read a book recently in which one of the characters was obsessed with romance novels. That was not the main story line, however, by the end of the book, she chucked it all (her job) and decided to start writing them herself because she enjoyed them so much. Being the sappy, easy to please, chick flick sucker that I am, I've decided to copy this fictional persons endeavor.

All right. My butt is falling asleep and I am just over my 2 hour mark here. I start to feel like I need to buy something else when I get over this amount of time. The cafe guys are off somewhere doing something and could care less that my ass is creating a permanent mark in this chair... but... still....

Before I go.... I have to give mention to my friend Joy. Turns out that Art from the Ashes has partnered with the Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens. They apparently had quite a bit of damage in the fires this year. I believe all proceeds for the show will be going to rebuild the gardens. I will be participating as an artist again. I'm so excited for Joy, for the opportunity and to be a part of something so important. I will post the link to the press release as soon as it is up on the AFTA website.

Renee

Opposable Thumbs

Today's title refers to the name of the cafe I am sitting in. I like it here. Two dollar Iced Americanos served in a Pint Glass is pure happiness. They have low comfy chairs here, with a sort of living room slash art gallery thing going on. When I walked in I thought maybe it was more bar than coffee shop since the chalk board behind the counter has "drinks" on it and the one to the side has coffee stuff on it. But, after hanging here for the past hour I think it's just a cafe that serves drinks. Drinks like Spiced Rum Chai, Hot Makers Toddy and Harvey Wallbangers. I'll have to come back here on a winter afternoon for a toddy and some writing.

My mental state is much better today. I spent several hours on the phone yesterday dealing with more things gone wrong. The morning started with me missing an unemployment call I didn't know had been scheduled yet. I never got the letter. Seventeen calls later I found out the interviewer went ahead and approved me to continue getting unemployment even though he didn't talk to me. Lucky me. Still, I had to wonder why I hadn't received the letter, or any mail for that matter. I called my post office in Los Angeles. Turns out they are holding my mail until June 29th because either I screwed up or they did. Either way it doesn't matter. I have no choice but to start the whole change of address process all over again because they only accept corrections in writing via the US POSTAL SERVICE. No phone calls, no emails. So then I call the Portland post office because I want to make sure there are no issues on this end. I had changed my address directly with a couple of places. Given the way things have been going and the fact that I have not received one piece of mail I thought it best to check in. Guess what. They never labeled my PO Box, so all of my mail has been blocked on this end as well. Seriously, I had to laugh and cry.

At the end of all that, I finally returned some phone calls to friends in Los Angeles. I had a good cry. I went to Powells and picked up a couple of heady books and spent the night reading and drinking wine.

I woke up this morning and I feel different. Finally, something clicked into place. I'm here. Things have kind of sucked. I'm starting to roll with it. I'm leaving town for the weekend. I have no idea what I will do next week. Each day, I do whatever I do. In 3 weeks I will have an apartment and start a routine. For now, I'm a gypsy. I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. I really don't know what is different today. I just feel lighter. Maybe I let go a little. Maybe time is doing its healing thing. The sun is not out, so we can't give it any credit. Let's just go with it. Renee feels good today, even silly. Now that my head is raising above water I need to get school or work sorted out.

The movie I was going to work on is a no go for now. Postponed until September. The catering gig I had a connection with has not replied. My most recent job lead led to a wall. Next, school and job hunting. It's all good. This part was sort of expected. It's a national condition. You can see it in the cafe's of both Los Angeles and Portland. All day, every day, people are on the net "searching (seeking)."

Anyway, Craigslist awaits. Oh, and I just finished the book "Lowboy." I give it two opposable thumbs up.

- Renee

Why Portland?

As my final days in Los Angeles creep closer, the question of the hour seems to be, "Why Portland? What's there? A job? A man?" Each time I am asked that question it catches me off guard just a little bit. After all, I have said for years that I would "NEVER" return to Portland. Never say never, cliche as it is...

It started out as a seed. Someone close to me planted it. After several months of unemployment and job search frustration I of course listened and then promptly said "no way."

A few weeks, and many many hours of job searching later I sat at my desk, head in my hands, and realized I was not only depressed, I was losing confidence in myself and my ability to do any kind of job. Looking for a job is very demoralizing if you ask me. If you aren't being rejected, you are being ignored. I let my finances keep me from going out and volunteering or spending time doing creative things I might have enjoyed. Instead, I made my job looking for a job. I would do things a lot differently if I had it to do over but I don't believe in spending time in regret.

Fast forward a couple of weeks. Money was running out, the depression was paralyzing me and the realization that I had to do something, anything, was all I could think about. "But what?" Hadn't I just spent the last 6 months obsessing over this exact thing? What to do? How to turn this time off into an opportunity? And then that same friend called. Hearing the the despair in my voice he threw me a rope. "Why don't you just come up here for a while. A friend of mine has a room you can rent for dirt cheap and you can store your stuff in my basement. It will be a change of scenery and shake things up, which is always good." The seed took sprout.

The decision to go was not an easy one. I stressed, vacillated, got second and third opinions and changed my mind several times. As I started to lean in a NW direction, interesting things started happening. I was offered an opportunity to work on a film. Something I have very recently become interested in. I was getting positive responses from employers I reached out to with inquiries. I was offered several places to stay from high school friends, friends of friends and family (my brother and second cousin live there) while I got settled. I had rooms for rent being offered through friends. All indicators pointed North.

If you ask me today, "why Portland," I would probably ramble off a list such as this:
It's a place I once called home. It's a very cool city with a lot happening in it. It's beautiful. It's super cheap, hopefully affording me the luxury of pursuing some new dreams and a completely new career. I have a few friends and a bit of family, providing me a small support system. It's green in color and thought. There is great food, beer and wine. The art scene is pretty great and being that it is smaller, may be a little easier to break into. Oh.... and there are hot guys there now! And, of course, last but not least.... COFFEE!

Today, as I only have a few final boxes to be packed... the plant has taken root. Maybe I don't seem so sure of my reasons when asked "Why Portland?" but I am going, and so I offer back... "Why not?" Change is good. No, actually, change is great!

Renee

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” - Henry David Thoreau