The Perfect Storm

I made it into Portland on Thursday afternoon. The drive was amazingly beautiful. I had forgotten how amazing Southern Oregon is. Lush. The views distracted me from the time on the road making it pass quickly. That is until I was around 3 hours south of Portland. That's where the storm started. I drove through 30 miles of sheet rain, floods, thunder and lightning (coming down on both sides of my car). It was scary and exciting. My heart was racing, my fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel as I sat forward with my face almost pressed to the windshield. I drive sitting forward like a granny when I'm excited or nervous, or both. Anyway, I made it through safe and sound, pulling into my brothers just in time to settle in before the storm hit Portland. We watched the trees bend, his parking lot flood and turned on the news to hear talk of tornados. Apparently, the weather system was coming in from all directions mixing up the "perfect storm." Portland's Facebook lit up with weather chatter. An old friend stated "I thought we were having a storm and then I realized it was just you arriving into town." Funny stuff.

That storm was thrilling and short lived. By the next morning the sky cleared only to make way for what would be the start of my own personal shit storm. Saturday came and I was hit with a tornado. By Sunday I had lost ALL my bearings and for the first time in years, felt like I was drowning. I refrain from sharing details only because I don't know that they are important to this blog. Suffice it to say that I drove into Portland and somehow took a wrong turn ending up in Drama-town.

In all of this turmoil I have had a hard time eating and sleeping, leaving me ill equipped to deal with the stress. It's funny that we do things counterintuitive to bettering our situation. Finally, last night, in my third place of residence since arriving, I got eight hours of sleep for the first time in over a week. I hoped to awaken refreshed and with a clearer mind. I did feel rested finally but as the sleep cleared from my mind it became clear I that I still felt as horrid as I had the day before. For the past 24 hours all I have been thinking is "what the hell have I done? did I make a mistake in coming here?"

I have hesitated to reach out to my friends for fear of them telling me "YES!, you made a mistake, come back!" I feel fear that I have already failed. I feel lost. I feel homeless. I feel grey.

The sun came out this afternoon. I sat in it for at least an hour. I'm feeling a bit better as the day goes on.

Our friend Vickie said to me in an email today, "Maybe it is easier to move some place where you know no one, that way there is little expectation." I think that while I may not have been in touch with any expectations, I had them.

The point of me talking about this (even in all it's vagueness), is to share with you the hard parts. I've moved around a lot in my life and gone on adventures and looking back, I don't really remember the hard parts. All this leaping into the abyss is bound to bring, at very least, a challenge or two. Yesterday, I didn't think I was going to be up for it and wanted to bail. Today, I'm winning that battle, slowly, very slowly.

I got lost in the clouds for a few days there. It's important to remember that this storm, as all storms do, will pass. Even if it doesn't seem like it ever will... I just have to keep reminding myself that it ALWAYS does.

So, it's been a rough start. I don't know how fast it will get better or easier. It could be in 3 weeks when I move into my new apartment (yes I got a place and I am dropping off the check tonight) or 3 months. Either way, when the good stuff comes it will mean all the more for having gone through this time. What's that stupid saying? No pain, no gain? Lemons into lemonade? See, there are even sayings about all this trial and tribulation stuff we go through.

"This too shall pass."

Thank you for reading ~ Renee