Man down. . . .

I had no intention of posting this but I needed to vent and thought why not use the blog; I have nothing to hide no matter how ugly. . . . .

So, like Renee I have chosen to be completely honest here despite any setbacks. And I advise now, my dear friends, this is not intended to make anyone worry about me and I suggest, if all you are going to do is feel sorry for me after reading; DO NOT READ, I do not want or need your pity.

My body is expressing its opinion very clearly right now. After weeks of trying to avoid the obvious, I feel like I am ready to give in.

Quickly, and not to dwell on the ugly facts: For those who do not know, I have had Lupus for about 6 years now and have to deal with the occasional flare up. I can work through it without medical intervention most times (Sorry Dr. Danny!) depending on the symptoms and how many of them I have. If I can’t manage it or it goes to my lungs, then they load me up on mega-steroids intravenously for a while; I gain 15 pounds; then they wean me off. You know, no big deal right. Well, for anyone who has ever been on high doses of steroids, you know what I am talking about. The doses that I have taken sometimes make death sound appealing.

Needless to say I have been symptomatic again for over a month now. I have good days; sometimes a few at a time and I pretend that it’s gone or going away and then I have really bad days which is completely depressing. I had been under the impression for years that my flares were brought on by stress. And most of that stress I felt was caused by my overrated, under appreciating, corporate bullshit job and so, as you can imagine I was extremely disappointed when I up and change my entire life, removed everything toxic from it, move half way across the country and here it is again as ugly as it’s always been. I was really hoping this would stay away at least for longer than it did. It’s been just over a year since my last major flare.

I can cover up the random bruises and the circular rashes on my arms, explain away the muscle and joint pain, ignore the sores in my mouth and nose and even grin through the fatigue and weakness because what other choice do I have? Do I let it win, give in, stop fighting. Will I make it worse or better? I don’t know.

So regrettably I am off to the Doctor next week and I have already been pre-warned despite the review of my medical file, I am over due for a full blood panel. So, the poking, prodding, puzzling looks, dosage changing, etc begins again.

But I am positive, hopeful and a little angry and that along with the amazing people (new and old), opportunities and possibilities in my life, will get me through it. I unfortunately can say, I personally know 7 women in my very close group of friends who suffer from some sort of auto-immune disease. It’s completely environmental and it’s ridiculous to think little if anything is being done about it. Auto-immune diseases are the hardest to diagnose and the hardest to treat. Most doctors make a guess and go with it because symptoms change and they can disguise themselves as something totally different. All I can do it turn my anger it to awareness.

If you would like to know more about it, here are some links:

http://www.lupus.org/newsite/index.html

http://butyoudontlooksick.com/
(This is one of my favorite sites because I love the sick humor. And because Lupus is an invisible disease; unless you say it, most people will not know you have it. My cousin Kathy Abril has Lupus as well and after we compare meds, dosages’ etc. we always end with, “But you look great!”. As sick as it is, it’s our way of making fun of the disease and the people who don’t understand it.)

Much happier/lighter blog already in the works!

Vickie