Here Comes the Sun and a New Blog

At Crema, looking outside at the grey, shitty, dreary weather listening to "Here Comes the Sun," pouring into the room. Kind of ironic. It's a quiet morning here. The gym was this way yesterday. I guess a lot of people are probably already off or out of town for the holidays. I walked in this morning and actually got to say more than hello to my favorite cafe boy. We talked about camping in tree houses and going to the gym. He informed me that going to the gym is not as fun now that he is older. He's turning 29 tomorrow (another Sagittarius), real old. I don't know his name, I call him blue eyes. I'll have to ask him one of these days. He has the bluest eyes you have ever seen. Seriously. They are a kind of see-through-sky blue.

It's busier now. Louder. I like it when it's quiet in here. The ceilings are high and exposed and the music bounces about with the clank of espresso cups in the background and the slight tapping of keyboards can be heard from the next table over. When it's busy it's chat chat chat, chairs sliding along the concrete floors and the microwave heating up pastry after pastry... beeeeeeeep. It's always busy in here about this time until after lunch.

I thought it was going to be sunny tomorrow but now I hear the rain is here to stay. Ah, well.... I'm leaving for LA next week.

I've decided to start yet another blog. A music blog of sorts. I've been thinking a lot about this for a while now. I don't know if you know this about me but I am a music freak.

Twenty facts about me and music:

1. I belong to a paid music subscription service
2. I've been known to spend several hours in one sitting looking for new music.
3. Music is ALWAYS on in my car.
4. Music is almost always on in my house.
5. If I love a record it might stay in my car's CD player for a month at a time with no switching out.
6. If I love a song it might get played several times in a day and possibly several times in a row.
7. I will go to shows alone.
8. I don't like to go to Damien Rice (my favorite artist) concerts with anyone because I don't to like be talked to while he's playing.
9. I have around 5000 songs on my Ipod, none stolen. I would have more if my Mac weren't always running out of space.
10. I love introducing people to new music.
11. Because I have musicians as "friends" on MySpace I often get asked to be the friend of other musicians. I actually go on and listen to all their music before I will accept them as a "friend." By the way, another great way to find music.
12. Strangely, I don't listen to a lot of the classics.
13. I think, put together properly, music and video can create an impression that will stay with you forever, enhance the music and leave you wanting more.
14. I have often fantasized about literally crashing into my future husband at Amoeba, my favorite record store, and meeting him while bent over our pile of dropped CD's. I even have a movie script outline done based on this fantasy.
15. I AM that drunk girl that wants you to listen to ALL THE WORDS to the GREATEST SONG EVER.
16. My favorite genre tends to land in the singer/songwriter category.
17. I own the Bose noise canceling head phones for music listening, not DVD watching.
18. I like my music LOUD so I can feel it inside me physically.
19. I don't know the names of most (99%) of the songs or records I own.
20. Music = Memory

So here is the skinny. I've decided to do a very simple daily blog. To start, I will be posting songs and videos. As it evolves I may write about the artists, songs or videos I am posting. We'll see. Some of the music may be new, some may be old. I want to introduce people to what I like and hope to get others interested in some of the artists that aren't being played on the radio. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I have ideas should I find it growing but am going to take it one step at a time. I haven't decided if it will start now or after Christmas. I want to be diligent about posting daily it so it may behoove me to wait until I get back from LA. STAY TUNED, literally!

~ Renee

Blah!

I am so completely unmotivated this week.

I had a great weekend. Probably a little too much fun actually. Three nights out in a row left a girl tired on Monday. I slept like a dead person last night. Funny thing is, of the three parties I've attended in the past week or so and only one was a Christmas party. Two were birthday parties. Next weekend I have two more birthday parties. Suddenly, I move to Portland am surrounded by Sagittarius'. I wonder what that means... and why aren't more people having Christmas parties???

Anyway, it's Tuesday and it's gross out. It is a true blue (or maybe I should say grey) Oregon day out. Super grey. Super dark out. Rain and more Rain. Just yucky. But it's not the problem. In fact, I've been laughing about it all day because it is so dismal. Of course, the texts came in.... "I told you so." "Laugh now, cry the rest of winter." "How you liking winter now?" I say hush! It's supposed to be sunny by Friday!

I feel good. I feel happy. I feel completely and utterly unmotivated to do anything, which includes doing nothing. I am not even motivated to give in and lay around. I am going through the motions and putting off parts of my constant "to do" list until tomorrow. I did that yesterday too.

Does this mean it's definitely time for a job? For school? Time to get a volunteer gig? Or am I just having an unmotivated week. I know... I think too much. It's a curse. But, I am horrible at being unmotivated. It drives me NUTS! And yet, I can't seem to motivate. I'm laughing at myself and how I must sound. An unmotivated person that wants to feel motivated but is too unmotivated to care about it today.

Cheers to lack of motivation and crappy weather! Bring on hump day. Perhaps it will get me over my own unmotivated hump!

~ Renee

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar

The Ice Storm

A quote from the movie "The Ice Storm."

"I'm not good at Math, just good at Geometry. It's like you now when they say you have 2 squared, you think it mean 2 times 2 equals 4, but really they really mean a *square*. Its really space, its not numbers, its space. And it's perfect space. But only in your head, because you can't draw a perfect square in the material world. But in your mind, you can have a perfect space. You know?"

We are supposed to get an ice storm here in Portland tomorrow. I was advised to get to the store and get food and liquor to last the weekend. I argued that I have plenty of places I can go within walking distance only to be told that those places won't be open if the people who work in them can't get there. Duh. I suppose that makes sense. Blame it on the Cali-girl in me. It's my first winter in years and I am enjoying it thoroughly thus far. The freezing cold temperatures, the bright sun, the smoke from my breath, wearing hats and coats and boots. I love it all!

I was in a bad space the last time I blogged. Lonely and bored. An internal ice storm if there ever was one. I've thawed a bit since then. It's like the quote above about having the perfect space in your mind. That space is simpler in your mind than it is when played out in reality. I moved to Portland and had started to create the perfect space and then suddenly found I was in the middle of a self created ice storms. What? Actually, now that it has passed I'm okay with it.

Since than, over the past week, two people I knew passed away. One was a co-worker that I did not know very well but worked near for several years. The other, was a very old friend that I hadn't seen or spoken to in over 17 years. Both of them lived life outside the norm either by choice or by challenges given to them and yet they were both very bright lights on this earth. Their spirit will definitely live on in the memories of those people they touched throughout the years.

So this got me thinking. I'm alive. I'm healthy. I need to get over whatever it is going on in my head and get on with it. So I did, and I am and I will.

I got down to business. I figured out all my financial aid stuff for school finally and I registered for classes today. Done deal. I applied for jobs to make the government happy but ended up making myself feel good for the accomplishment. I upped my gym workouts this week and am completely addicted for the first time in my life. FINALLY. I saw the guy I had a crush on when I first moved here (found out today he does have a girlfriend) and after all these months was still able to make him blush a bright red. I reconnected with some of the good friends I was missing. And, here I am, blogging for a second time in a week.

All in all I would say, I am feeling good about tomorrow's ice storm. In fact, I am looking forward to it. For it will be a new experience, probably quite beautiful. While I may just have to sit the day out and watch the icicles form it will give me the perfect opportunity to enjoy a nice glass of red wine, maybe skype with a friend. If I am lucky, perhaps in the quiet I will discover another "perfect space" in my mind.

~ thank you John.
~ Renee

Quiet

That's how my life feels right now. Really, really quiet. And here my friends, is where it gets hard.

I haven't blogged in a while. I was going to give it up really. Or give up on this blog anyway and start a new one. I have had a lot of ideas for new blogs but haven't followed through with a single one. I've been stuck on thoughts such as "What is my point?" or "What am I trying to accomplish?" I've decided, at least for today, who the fuck cares. I miss writing and this has provided me an outlet for the time being. Although I did start writing a book the other night.

Another thing to note is that I am not going to post this on Facebook nor will I email everyone to let them know I am blogging again. I feel like being raw, honest and putting it out there and I don't feel like advertising it. It's personal stuff and I am not looking for attention. As originally intended with this blog, "the point" is to share what it's like to start life all over again, alone, in a new place with no job in sight during a horrible recession at the age of 41.

I'm lonely. Super fucking lonely. I have less than a handful of friends and a lot of acquaintances. Sometimes I'm really busy, sometimes I go days without talking to anyone. And people wonder why I'm so chatty or hyper when they do talk to me. I spend a lot of time NOT TALKING. Maybe it's my age, I don't know but I am not in a place where I want to hang out with people anymore just for the sake of hanging out. In other words, I'm not into being around people just for the sake of not being lonely. I'm lonely because I am missing connecting with people. I'm lonely because winter is coming and I still don't have a fucking boyfriend, let alone a date. I'm lonely because I'm bored.

I'm bored. I don't have a job so I spend most of my days doing the following, in no particular order: Make bed, eat, drink iced coffee, Facebook, job hunt/apply, prep for school, spend 2 hours at gym (still not skinny), sometimes go to a cafe, sometimes go to grocery store, paint, drink wine and smoke, call friends in LA, Skype, watch TV or movies, constantly think about what the hell I am supposed to be doing, think about volunteering, think about getting a job, think about going to Spain, think about dating, think about writing, come up with ideas for pretty much everything without following through, network, think think, think, and think.....

I was listening to Obama speak today about Job creation in the US. He said this: "With one in 10 Americans out of work, and millions more underemployed, not having enough hours to support themselves, this is a struggle that cuts deep, and it touches people across this nation. Every day I meet people or I hear from people who talk about sending out resume after resume, and they've been on the job hunt for a year or year and a half and still can't find anything and are desperate. They haven't just lost the paycheck they need to live; they're losing the sense of dignity and identity that comes from having a job."

While I was listening to this portion of the speech I felt deeply affected. The strange thing is that I don't feel like I have lost my dignity, at least not consciously. As for having lost my identity, I wonder if I ever had one. And what a great opportunity it is to have this time to try and figure that out. A few of my close and oldest friends have recently informed me that they think I am suffering from defeat. I believe one of them used the word "deflated." Aside from being lonely and a bored, I mostly feel great and even lucky. I am no doubt, lost. I am no doubt, broke. But I am not depressed and every day I am thankful to have a roof over my head and people in my life that care about me. Am I making the right decision taking this time to figure things out rather than taking a job (that I'm not even sure I could get at this point) at the local 7Eleven? Who knows. Does it all make my head spin? Yes. Does it make me feel deflated? Sometimes.

I've definitely found myself in some mud at the moment. My unemployment just ran out for the third time. Now I get to play the wait and see game to find out if I will be getting a third extension. I wrecked my car two weeks ago and had to fork out 700 bucks I don't have for the deductible and for the rental car I used. I almost had a job and then I didn't. It was a good job and even though I wasn't qualified for it in many ways, I still felt somehow that I did something to sabotage myself. Of course, that is all in my head. I had a falling out with a close friend over Thanksgiving. Winter is here, the holidays are coming and suddenly I realize, as if seeing it in flashing lights on a billboard, I AM ALONE.

I am lucky in so many ways for the life I have lived up until now and for the life I will lead. I am smart enough to realize that my favorite quote, "this too shall pass," is my favorite quote for a reason. If it were you that had just moved to a new city and you called me for advice I'd remind you that in fact, you are not alone and will have many local friends soon enough and that eventually this will seem like a blip in time. If you called me to lament about how you were a failure and wondered "what the hell you had done with all of your time off?" I would tell you to hang in there and remind you of all things you have done in the past year and all the things you are doing to make the best of your future.

Why is it that we always choose to befriend our "critic?" He is not very nice you know.

~renee

The Plan

I had a plan for next year. A very unthought out plan, but a plan no less. I realized last year that there were three very big things happening in 2010 that I wanted to be a part of. Now as 2009 is slowly creeping towards its end I am realizing that I have not put one ounce of energy into executing my plan.

The Plan:
February - Work or volunteer at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada
March - Barbados for BFF 40th
March thru May - Find temporary way to make money
June - Fly to Africa, attend World Cup of soccer.
July - Fly to Spain from Africa. Walk the Camino for the Holy Year.

What I have done so far:
1. Begged for a job at the Olympics via Facebook.
2. Applied for several jobs on the VANOC website.
3. Let some film people in Portland know that I am interested in getting on a crew in Vancouver.
4. Put dates for World Cup and Camino celebration on calendar.

So. As you can see. I have done, nothing.

Challenges:
1-100. Money
101. Lack of ideas on how to accomplish this.

Things I have going for me:
1. No job, no kids, no significant other = no commitments
2. Enthusiasm
3. A passport

By the way, I am completely serious. Seriously.

So today I am adding a number 5 to the "what have I done list." I am asking you for ideas and thoughts. Seriously. Can this be done given my current circumstance? Should it be done?

As I stand at my crossroads and examine the horizon, the road that is most enticing to me, of course, is this one. I was about to commit to a different direction and then I remembered. I have been joking outwardly about doing this for over a year. All the while, inside my head, I was completely serious. Now I see no reason not to, at very least, entertain the possibility for a bit longer. To take my self seriously and put it out there. If you don't try, even at the 11th hour, you will wonder what might have been.

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will themselves not be realized. ~Daniel H. Burnham

Crap! I thought I had it all figured out!

So yesterday I am at a bar (surprise), and I am sitting there having a pint (surprise again) and anyway..... I have a new crush. You want to know what I said at the moment I realized I was crushing? I looked at the person sitting next to me and said, very seriously, "I want to lay my head on his chest." What the hell? Who says that?

The reason I went to have the pint is because, 1. It was gorgeous out and I just wanted to sit outside in the sun some more. 2. Happy hour is really cheap here. 3. Summer is pretty much over and the sun is about to go into hiding. AND, 4. Because I didn't want to think about the fact that I suddenly feel like I am back at square one.

Number 4 might be a slight exaggeration but still. I'm a little freaked out.

I can't tell you everything because as mentioned in my last entry I'm keeping some things to myself. Teasing you? Not intentionally.

So. Two weeks ago I had it all figured out. I was going to postpone school until next summer. I was going to work on two more films. One that should be happening right now and one that starts some time in January. Here is what I have learned in the meantime. Nothing is a sure thing until it's a sure thing.

Disappointed and stumbling at yet another crossroads.... I somehow still feel strangely good. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. The problem now is which road do I take. There are actually about three roads I see for myself for the moment. How do you know which one is the right one? Or how do you make it the right one?

I thought I had it all figured out and then I didn't. And now I don't. And now, I get back up on the damn horse that brought me to this place and I keep trying to figure it out.



At a fork in the road
I paused
I looked down to see
The tips of my shoes
Hovering on the edge
Of the sky
Reflection
~ Renee Michelle Palmer

Now What?

I'm laying on my incredibly comfortable bed on my amazingly cozy down comforter wearing jeans and a tank top as if it were hot outside. It's not hot outside, or even warm. I have all the windows open (as usual) and the air blowing in is downright chilly. My toes are wishing for socks and my arms for a sweater. They sky is grey and the smell reminds me of June gloom in LA. I like it because I know it is temporary. I wonder if I will like it next month and the month after that and so on.....

I keep writing things and deleting them. Feeling a little out of practice. Need to get the writing juices going again.....

How about we do this interview style?

Q - What have you been up to?
A - Working on a movie. A short independent film.

Q - Yeah? Did you enjoy it?
A - Oh, very much so. I learned so much. Worked very hard, harder than I think I have ever worked in such a small period of time. I met some really great people and hopefully, new friends.

Q - Do you think you will want to continue working in film? In Portland?
A - I have no idea. I don't have a film school degree which makes me feel a little behind the eight ball, not to mention my age. I do know that working on the film fulfilled a lot of things I'd like to have in a job. So, we'll see. I have an idea but I'm kind of keeping it to myself for a minute.

Q - Really? Can you give me a hint?
A - No.

Q - What have you been doing since you got off the movie?
A - Working on some art pieces for my friend's art show. She started an amazing organization called Art from the Ashes. You should check out the website AND you should come to the show. .

Q - What kind of art were you working on?
A - Mixed media collage. Wood, paint, ash, burnt books, burnt tree bark, photography, poetry, etc... I completed two pieces that I submitted for the show.

Q - Sounds cool. Will you be attending?
A - Absolutely! It is such a great opportunity and I feel very lucky to be a part of something so incredibly positive.

Q - So, job done, art done, now what?
A - I've admittedly been doing some relaxing. For the first time in this unemployed period of my life, I don't feel the need to spend eight hours a day looking for a job. Instead, I am mulling over some ideas of my own and trying to figure out how I might make them happen. After a year of not working, I'm pretty sure I am done in the corporate/office world. I feel good, natural. I found out while working on the film that I am still willing to work incredibly hard and that I still have the skills to be successful. You loose your confidence a bit when you haven't worked in so long. I was worried I may have lost "it." So now, I feel like I am ready to make some things happen for myself putting those skills and that drive to work for ME.

Q - Will you continue blogging?
A - Hell yes! And, as mentioned way back when... a photo blog will most likely be added very very soon, so stay tuned.

Q - Anything else you would like to add?
A - Yes. Buy the new Muse record and listen to it really loud.