Summer!

I'm back in P-Town and the sun is out! Tomorrow we are supposed to hit 85 degrees. The forecast calls for sun, seven days straight. I am a happy camper! What next?

This weekend is packed with parties. Well, only two but that is two more than I've gone to since I got here.

Came home today to find the internet has been installed here thanks to new roommate. Also to find sad sight of ex looking for job. A long discussion ensued. First about my time at the beach. Within that conversation, the local I mentioned (at the wine bar) in yesterday's blog came up. Apparently my spidey sense was correct and the guy is a little nuts. Turns out a good friend of mine has a brother that used to roommate with the guy. (Lesson; always listen to your spidey senses.) Conversation than progressed to the job market. It's pretty bad here. Twelve percent unemployment and less jobs than LA. With percentages being equal, I'm not sure what that means to me or any of us living on government money.

Every day it seems I am reminded of what a strange time this is. "They" say that the economy is getting better. I'm not sure it is. People are still getting laid off and companies are warning of more lay offs by the end of the year. People are leaving their cities en mass in hopes of finding what they haven't been able to at home. A dream? A job? A new environment that might create a new way of looking at things?

I made the statement today that it's no longer unique to be thinking "out of the box." BK replied with "That's because there is no box anymore." Ponder that a bit. What does it mean? What does any of this mean for our future? People say it all the time... "Can't you just get a job of some kind, anything, until you figure the rest out?" I fear that the dilemma is that more and more people can honestly answer with a resounding "NO." Not because they aren't trying but because EVERYONE who doesn't already have a job is doing the same thing. Thinking in circles, squares and triangles. I think a lot of amazing things will come out of this time in our nation. But, I also fear this time for those not so strong of mind or heart or belief in something. How will this time treat them?

Well, if you are like me, you occasionally spend money you don't have and justify it with comments like "I deserve it." or "If not now, when?" or "I could die tomorrow." So, today, in honor of all this heavy thought I made a couple of guilt free purchases because "when will I be at the beach again?" HA! I proudly purchased a loaf of white, squishy, yummy, fluffy, perfect Haystack Bread and a jar of delectable marionberry preserves so my friend Lisa and I can make some toast and spread the love of the best berry ever all over it.

Have a wonderful weekend and remember to walk in a crooked line.

Thanks for reading ~ Renee

Farewell

So this week, as all things come to an end (and thing like this seem to happen in threes), we say goodbye to Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson. Tomorrow I say farewell to Wheeler and the Oregon Coast, for now. Of course, it is the most beautiful night with a gorgeous sunset. I am lucky enough to have a view of it from my room. Sorry about the cell phone shot... I need to get one of those camera adapters. Mine broke a while ago..

Today I spent half the day in my room "getting stuff done" and the other half driving to Neskowin. I went in search of the ghost forest and like my last treasure hunt, didn't find it. I think I went too early and the tide was too high. I feel like I was in the right place. Perhaps the trees were just buried in the salt water waves. Low tide was much too early this morning for me to get to and much too late for me to stick around so far south. After all, I had a wine bar to get to.

Vino. The one and only wine bar in these parts was open tonight in Manzanita. I sat at the bar. Alone. A gay couple on my left. A couple from Vancouver on my right. Later, some guy, a local, that I am pretty sure was hitting on me squeezed in between. He was nice enough, and not bad looking but a little...... mmmm... shaky? Anyway, by the time I left I had met them all and of course made friends with the gays most of all. They live in Portland. One of them is a working artist. They were all wined up and of course very encouraging and engaging. "Your an artist!" they said! They gave me some great tips and really encouraged me to do what I came up here to do. The local chimed in. "This is the time to do it." Funny, you hear that as often as you hear that this is the time to "just get a job." Anyway, it gave me a lot to ponder and was a great run-in for me to have. I think good wine, good food and a good time was had by all. I headed back to my little abode in Wheeler, full on wine, food and homemade marion berry pie. If you ever make it to the NW, you must have ANYTHING that is marion berry. Pie, jam, jelly.. ANYTHING! I promise, you will not regret it. Yummy, berry, flavor explosion.

The room next to me, as of tonight, occupies another solo female. Somehow, that makes me feel less alone. I only know this because they post a little welcome note with your name on it at each door. Nice little touches like this are all over this place. As I was coming home, she was going out for a walk to the benches across the street where you can sit and take in the awesome view (pictured above). I am realizing that I have become a lot more courageous in my life since walking across Spain two years ago. I still have a long way to go but am happy with my progression. Two years ago, I think I would have purchased a microwave meal from the local market and cooked it up to eat/hide in my room. Now, that is just not experiencing life, is it?
When you face little fears like eating alone at dinner time, you never know what might happen or who you might meet, or how great that glass of wine might taste on a night like tonight.

Finally. The sun came out. The wind stopped. The temperature rose. I rested. It has been a good few days on the Oregon Coast.

Peace ~ Renee

“I to the world am like a drop of water
That in the ocean seeks another drop,
Who, falling there to find his fellow forth,
Unseen, inquisitive, confounds himself" ~ William Shakespeare

"THE OREGON COAST"

It started out as a gorgeous sunny day here at the coast and as you can see from this lovely (cell phone) picture, it got a little rainy out. Quite the contrast from Vickie's lovely NM sunset pic. The logging truck, the rain on the windshield and lots of grey in the background; all fairly normal for these parts.

Today and tomorrow the Oregon Coast is experiencing what they are referring to as "rare and extremely low tides measuring up to minus three feet." What this means to me is that I get to explore sights the ocean is normally hiding. I started my investigation of this phenomenon in Cannon Beach at Haystack Rock. There are a lot of tide pools, and unfortunately, a lot of people, so there was not much to see when it came to sea-life. A few burnt orange star fish and one big red brick colored one clung as they do to a rock. There were muscles everywhere and a few of those cute anemone things we all like to poke our fingers into but can't pronounce.

The weather was starting to change when I arrived, kicking up the winds so I didn't stay too long. Too much hair in my face.... Walking back to the car I watched as dry sand swept across the wet sand like a snake searching for it's prey. It created these beautiful flat dunes as if it ran into glue and decided to stick there. The sand is finer here than in California, softer. I wonder if it's because of the wind.

Before the obviously impending rain came, I took a stroll through town in search of a friend of a friend I knew in my early twenties. He told me to "look for her at the coffee shop." Well, I'm not sure when he was in Cannon Beach last but there are several coffee shops now. Needless to say, I didn't find her. Getting hungry and now wet, from the rain that was more like mist blowing than water pouring, I went in search of soup. All the restaurants were suddenly packed with lunch goers also trying to escape the rain. In an effort to avoid the lines of people waiting to be seated in the center of town, I headed back towards a place I had noticed earlier. It was set back and away from the shopping so I thought there a good chance it would be less crowded. The sign in the window had said; soup, sandwhiches, coffee. Turns out it was the local cooking school.

EVOO. I hate the name (thanks to Rachel Ray) but highly recommend this place. It's a small school that looks like house from the outside. When you walk in, you are have more or less entered the kitchen. Like Benihana's there is a table that wraps all around the cooking area and sets low. The menu changes daily and includes items like soup, chili and homemade cookies or their new "family meal." They cook the cookies throughout the day and set them out in front of you hot out of the oven. The place smells amazing. On a recommendation from the owner, I ordered Salmon Chowder. Oh My GOD! Creamy, but not too creamy. Bits of salmon, carrots and al dente potatoes. Drizzled olive oil, basil oil and ground cardamon on top (something else too, that i can't remember). It was served with a fresh cooked toast point. It was a flavor explosion for FIVE BUCKS! So, if in Cannon Beach support the local cooking school EVOO! http://www.evoo.biz/


After lunch I headed north in search of the shipwreck Peter Iredale (pictured, not my picture). Apparently it is currently more exposed than usual due to the low tides. I went all the way to Astoria (kind of far) and back and I couldn't find it. I guess my quick "where is it" look at a map before leaving the hotel wasn't good enough. Tomorrow I will do better when I go in search of the ghost forest that is now exposed down south. http://www.kgw.com/environment/stories/kgw_090308_news_ghost_forest.3f905b3d.html

I came down here to get away, have some space of my own, do a little writing and photography all while being able to look for a job and get some things accomplished now that I have the internet. I did look for a job yesterday but other than that, I feel I have been remiss in doing any of the other things I came here to do. I suppose it's only 4:30 so I have some time to "get on it." No point in guilting myself. I accomplished the getaway, space, photography and now writing. Time to get a little responsible. Hiring anyone? Kidding (kind of).

In closing I would like to share one of my favorite things with you (and Vickie's too). Music. On a rainy day, driving down the coast, some songs to match the mood (that I listened to today):
Flightless Bird - Iron & Wine
Road to Chicago - Thomas Newman
Love Vs. Porn - Kevin Drew
Sleepless - The Decemberists
The Giant of Illinois - Andrew Bird
Far From Home - Liz Durrett
Endlessly - Muse
Night Walks - Black Mountain
He Lays In the Reins - Iron & Wine/Calexico
It's Only Love - Diefenbach

Oh, and one more thing... tacky but ingenious. I saw that someone invented the "switch" flop. A flip flop where you can change the way it looks every day with new velcro add ons/ribbon tops. Seriously, google it. Hmmmm......

Thank you for reading ~ Renee

Summer in the sloppy adobes

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to drop a quick-line and let you know I am still here. This week has been good. I have come to REALLY appreciate the landscape here. I don’t think I ever spend so much time alone outdoors as I do here. It’s just too pretty to stay inside; even when it’s gloomy and clouding the sky is stunning.

I love sunsets and have seen some amazing ones over the pacific coast but I have to say they are even more amazing here. It must be the clarity or something.

I have had another week of great conversations (and some debauchery) with new friends, and through that, have come to appreciate the impermanence of life. People come and go for a reason and some may come back around when the timing is right and there is something comforting in knowing that. I know, I promised to write more of a day-to-day so this will be the last deep thought, promise!

Summer has arrived in Santa Fe! The weather is beautiful and the sun feels amazing and being one, Mexican and two, a Cali-girl, I can tolerate the heat and the sun, but let me tell you; it is an entirely different feeling 7,000 feet up! I actually burned the other day! That NEVER happens to me! So what does a girl do? I put on another layer of 30 SPF and fought back like a Mexican lizard :)

It looks like we; and when I say “we” I mean me and my amazing neighbor, confidant, Prince-loving, sister of Avalon, Janet Dees - will be getting a new compound-mate next week, which we are looking forward to. We welcome change and challenge, and it looks like it’s a great fit for the compound. . .but more on that later.

Today was another great day in Santa Fe. . . I took Pennie to the plaza where we people-watched, drank iced coffee from my favorite coffee house “Holly Spirit Espresso” (my very own local caffeine shrine) and talked to tourists and some locals. There are A LOT of people in town. Santa Fe cannot be suffering as far as tourism goes. Last week, we met a band in the plaza (me? meet a band? – never!) who was passing through from Texas and heading to a show in ABQ. Nice, NICE people who I will definitely keep in touch with. They are based in LA so if you are there and they are too, check them out: INCENDIO. Latin jazz; very cool stuff. Wish they would have played SF but they will be back in SF in November. They had just missed Del Castillo at SF Brewing Co. which we discussed. It was a decent show but I have said this before about Del Castillo and I will say it again, unless they are in front of their audience (Antones, Austin, TX) they struggle. So, on that note a well deserved ode to deSol who could rock the house to 5,000 or 5. . . I have seen both. It’s a shame they are where they are now. . .

So listen to music today mi gente. It’s good for one's soul.

What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across the grass and loses itself in the sunset ~ Crowfoot

Mucho love, V

Documentary

At the table across from me there is a group of four people. Three documentary filmmakers and one person being interviewed. I am almost positive that I almost applied for an internship with these people. I didn't because they required that you be already enrolled in a school program in which you could receive college credit for the internship. They are on their 5th interview this morning.

The girl who is interviewing right now. She lived in St. John and worked on sail boats. She comes here from San Francisco. She is newish to Portland and came here because she can afford to "live" here. She couldn't afford to "live" in San Francisco anymore. She was "barely living." Funny. Small world. I probably wont meet this girl or see her ever again but we both lived in the Caribbean, we both come from California for similar reasons and we apparently share interests. Small world, synchronistic world.

There are no jobs to apply for so far today. None. Seriously.

I spent yesterday with my best friend's family. I bought my first Father's day card ever. We ate ribs and salad. After the parents left we celebrated best friend's brother's birthday with a glass of wine and HBO's True Blood.

I heart Eric. Six foot four hunk of vampire with foils in his hair asking "is there blood in my hair?" Why is that so hot?

Tomorrow I am going to the beach for three days. Wheeler. See picture of my little B&B above. Nothing special but my room has a view of the bay and I'll have the internet. I'll look for a job, book movers, deal with things that have been too much of a hassle until now. Not being able to be on the net and phone at the same time poses challenges sometimes. I'll write. I'll chill. I'll photograph. I'll walk.

I can't wake up today. Is it obvious? I'm on my second Iced Americano and just starting to feel normal, awake.

If there are no jobs. I will have no choice but to go to school. I think this is a good thing. Not that I was losing my steam. There is just something about not working that, after a while, makes you feel like you need to be working.... not following your dreams. Not working is not the problem. It's being supported by the government that is the problem. Kind of demoralizing after a while for me. I feel a lot of guilt about it some times. If I were just rich I would have none of these issues. Oh, if only.

Thank you for reading~Renee

Hunger is not the worst feature of unemployment; idleness is. ~William E. Barrett

Fresh Pot

When I am not creative enough to come up with a title for today's blog you will be stuck with the name of the cafe I am in. I'm not apologizing, just explaining the logic.

It's raining out today. Surprise! Honestly, I don't mind. It's raining pretty hard which is different than the normal drizzly pissy thing it does here. More like a summer storm. Dark, warm, dramatic. Plus, it's Friday. Something about it being Friday makes everything seem better. Why is that? Because I get 2 days off from my days off? Hmmm.... I'll ponder that for a while and get back to you. Actually, no, I probably wont.

I'm drinking Rooibos tea. Can you say it? It comes out of my mouth wrong every time. I say ROO-E-BOSE sometimes. Today I said ROOEY...blllllllllaaaaaahhhhhhh... and the guy behind the counter laughed and said "I have a hard time saying Arnold Palmer." How funny and how random is that? I replied with, "Well, we share a last name so I'm kind of practiced at saying that one." Why I'm telling you a "had to be there" story, I have no idea. I guess to tell you to try Rooibos Tea because it's really good. The guy that was in line behind me ordered the same thing. Of course he said it in a well practiced and confident manner. "I'll have a ROY-BUS tea please. WHATEVER MR. COOL, I CAN PRONOUNCE THAT COOL TEA NAME EASIER THAN YOU! He was kinda hunky in a not my type way.

The Fresh Pot is a coffee shop that is attached to Powell's City of Books on Hawthorne. It is long and narrow with green walls. The seating is pretty much all on on side along long bench and then a chair on the other side of each table. There are a couple of tables in the front window. I get the feeling those are prime real estate. They serve Stumptown Coffee here. It's apparently the most popular coffee in this city. Served most places that serve "good" coffee. I chose tea because I had TWO large iced coffees this morning. No more caffeine for this fiend. The atmosphere in here is kind of lacking and the lighting is a little bit undesirable. I won't last long. Which, I guess, is good for them.

I applied for three completely random and unrelated jobs today. One is with an entertainment web/site start up company. They want people to do some data entry on cultural events and places around the city. They compared it to one of my favorite websites so needless to say, I jumped at it. It's only 4 hours a week, but it might actually be something I enjoy so why not? The second job is full time with the Red Cross. I was thinking of bigger picture opportunity there. The third was with the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. That's all about keeping the dreams real and continuing to reach for them. I continue to have my daily struggle with what I should do versus what I would like to do and how to maybe do both to and still get to the end result I am looking for.

SHIFT IN THOUGHT....

A lot of people in Oregon have funky odor. I'm just saying.

I hate when people talk really loud on their cell phones in public right next to me. It's, annoying. Yes, someone is doing it next to me right now and it's throwing of my mojo and interrupting my train of thought.

Sorry... I got off track. I'm not really sure what today's track is. I'm going to look for a little fluff to read at the beach next week.

Job Hunting

I think they should actually call job hunting, "life sucking." Because, really, let us not fool ourselves, that's all that is going on. Several hours spent perusing the internet for a handful of jobs that I will apply for, which will take several more hours to do. The chances of me hearing back are slim. I am not being negative, but really, just referring to my experience up to now. I really depsise the whole process. It has taken far too many hours of my life this past year that I will never get back.

What does one do to get a job if they don't want to look for a job?

I was talking to previously mentioned ex last night. You know, the one I am rooming with. Anyway, we were talking about how this time is so fucking crazy. There are no jobs. There are thousands upon thousands of people unemployed. The government is supporting all of us jobless people and paying us fairly well I must say. I am making more than $10 bucks an hour on unemployment. Not that I am enjoying it. It is always hanging over your head that, given the right mix of mood and circumstance an underpaid government worker can decide to pull it out from under you at any moment. That kind of sucks and keeps you from screwing off too much. However, at that rate of pay, it makes it difficult to take a job that pays 10-12 bucks an hour. Although, I am reaching the point that working for my money is sounding really fulfilling.

In the 9 months or so that I have not worked I have figured many things out but I'm not sure it's gotten me anywhere just yet. Delusions of grandeur? BK told me to squash those thoughts. "They are bad for you," he says.

My state of mind is pretty good. It's just that as I grow closer and closer to having an apartment and a routine... I wonder, what will I do and how will this all play out? "Remember the logic. Why you came here..." I tell myself.

I'm going to the beach next week for three days. No, I can't afford it but that's what credit cards are for right? Debt, cigarettes, living out of a suitcase... I've (re)taken up a few bad habits lately. I'm ok with it. It's all temporary and I feel like I'm living instead of slowly dying at my desk, in my kitchen/office in LA as I spend 40+ hours a week having the life sucked out of me (job hunting). So, while I'm at the beach I plan to go on some long walks, take some photos, stare at the ocean, dine alone (which I hate to do for any meal other than breakfast for some reason), put my feet in sand and do some writing.

I have an idea for a chick flick script. I read a book recently in which one of the characters was obsessed with romance novels. That was not the main story line, however, by the end of the book, she chucked it all (her job) and decided to start writing them herself because she enjoyed them so much. Being the sappy, easy to please, chick flick sucker that I am, I've decided to copy this fictional persons endeavor.

All right. My butt is falling asleep and I am just over my 2 hour mark here. I start to feel like I need to buy something else when I get over this amount of time. The cafe guys are off somewhere doing something and could care less that my ass is creating a permanent mark in this chair... but... still....

Before I go.... I have to give mention to my friend Joy. Turns out that Art from the Ashes has partnered with the Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens. They apparently had quite a bit of damage in the fires this year. I believe all proceeds for the show will be going to rebuild the gardens. I will be participating as an artist again. I'm so excited for Joy, for the opportunity and to be a part of something so important. I will post the link to the press release as soon as it is up on the AFTA website.

Renee

Bakery Bar

I'm too distracted to blog today so here are some random items for the daily reader.

I had an english muffin breakfast sandwich today. It had pepper jack cheese and jalapeno tomatillo jam on it. Need I say more.

It was sunny out when I got up. I planned to do sunny things and sit on lots of patios today. I took a shower. I got out. It got cloudy. No more sun. It is grey. I'm sitting inside a cafe doing grey sky things.

I watched a bit of "Long Way Round" again, last night. I am still in love with Ewan McGregor and still want to marry him.

There is a guy that works at this cafe that I think I know but I don't feel like asking him if I know him.

I looked for a job today and yesterday. There is nothing.

I think I am going to go to the beach next week. I can't decide on a hotel. I'm indecisive. B&B or Kitchenette?

I've been here at this cafe for two hours now. Do you think they want me to leave? I feel like I should leave now.

I called "school" today. Unless I am attending summer term they don't want to advise me for another 2 weeks. I'm patient. Maybe I will take an art class for the summer.

Two weeks until my apartment is available. It can't get here fast enough.

Seems like everyone in Portland has a bike and a tattoo. I want a bike. Sometimes I want a tattoo.

I'm going to wrap it up now. I feel like I have used up my free wi-fi time in this cafe for today.

Thank you for reading - Renee

Far From Home

(THE GORGE..MAJESTIC BEAUTY!)

Far from home is how I felt last week when I hit the road for Spokane. It's also the song that sort of became my road trip theme song on the way up (sung by Liz Durrett). It's a moody song. I was moody. That is, until I got to the Gorge. OH. MY. GOD! I don't know if I was just to young when I lived here before, to appreciate the beauty of Oregon, but it blows my mind now. Sculpted plateaus, Hood River, Multnomah Falls, various damns, the Palouse in Washington. The five and half hours to Spokane are easy on the eyes in comparison the dreadful Los Angeles to San Francisco trip of equal distance up the I-5. Nothing like majestic beauty to pull you out of your funk. That, and a little sunshine!

(PALOUSE..HUGE SKY, ROLLING PLAINS, MESMERIZING!)


I went up to Spokane to get away from everything, to see a good friend, have some girl time and come back refreshed. It worked. Sarah (my ex, Blaine's, sister) and I had a great time. We intended to go crazy (partying it up, out on the town) but it never happened. Instead we both had some much needed girl time. We drank wine, went out for margaritas and mexican, shopped, got pedicures, played Rock Band (I played the drums, she played the guitar. I scored a 48% my very first try. Maybe I should take drum lessons?), drank more wine, counseled each other, watched True Blood, talked about every chick flick and hot celebrity on earth and laughed ourselves silly to "The Hangover." It was fantastic!

On the road trip back I felt lighter. I was heading "home" and rocking out to Kings of Leon, Phoenix and a couple of "up" mixed cd's I made. It was a gorgeous day out yesterday.

A funny thing happened on my way home.

I received a call from a woman that used to work for me, that I have befriended. We were supposed to connect before I left LA but things got crazy and I just didn't manage to make it happen. So yesterday, she called to tell me she'd been thinking about me all week. Her thoughts had apparently been sort of chaotic when she thought about me and she just wanted/needed to check in with me. I asked her if she had been reading the blog. She had not. Intuition is a trip! She just wanted to make sure I was okay and to tell me to take things one day at a time. Similarly, last Thursday, I received a random email from my old boss saying hello and letting me know he was enjoying the blog. He too was checking up on me and my rough start. He offered me some very good advice I intend to take.

As I drove back to the city I am now to call home, I realized that I am not alone at all.

I may be in a new city surrounded by strange faces but, out there in the world...California, New York, Ireland, Barbados, etc... I am surrounded by love. The love of good friends. I was watching an episoded of HBO's "In Treatment" the other day. There is a character that has cancer but hasn't told anyone but her therapist; not her parents or her friends. She is probably in her early 20's and if she doesn't get chemotherapy she will die, quickly. In this particular episode, she is telling Paul (therapist) that she had a bad dream and woke up thinking she was dying. She had a friend come over who called an ambulance. While in the ambulance she was asked if she was on any treatments or medications. She said "Just chemo." Her friend's jaw dropped that this was the first time she was hearing about it. Paul asks why she doesn't talk to this friend about it? ask her for support? haver her take her to chemo, etc? He asks her why it's ok for her to be there for all of her friends and her family (including her autistic brother) and why she can't ask for help from others? Her reply is simply "Not everyone is like me." I felt like I was watching a story about myself (sans cancer). There is a lesson here that is not lost on me. As no less than 2 friends put it in the past 48 hours it's "my shit." Thank you.

So today, Tuesday, I start fresh. I have the support of good friends, family and the comfort of the local internet cafe. I finally got my unemployment and mail situations worked out. I am a week closer to moving into my own place. I've been invited to have margaritas on Friday and celebrate Father's day with my BFF's family on Sunday. I am officially looking for a job starting today. I am no longer far from home. The sun is fighting to come out. Neko Case is playing in the cafe...

Let the adventure begin (again).
~Renee

Man down. . . .

I had no intention of posting this but I needed to vent and thought why not use the blog; I have nothing to hide no matter how ugly. . . . .

So, like Renee I have chosen to be completely honest here despite any setbacks. And I advise now, my dear friends, this is not intended to make anyone worry about me and I suggest, if all you are going to do is feel sorry for me after reading; DO NOT READ, I do not want or need your pity.

My body is expressing its opinion very clearly right now. After weeks of trying to avoid the obvious, I feel like I am ready to give in.

Quickly, and not to dwell on the ugly facts: For those who do not know, I have had Lupus for about 6 years now and have to deal with the occasional flare up. I can work through it without medical intervention most times (Sorry Dr. Danny!) depending on the symptoms and how many of them I have. If I can’t manage it or it goes to my lungs, then they load me up on mega-steroids intravenously for a while; I gain 15 pounds; then they wean me off. You know, no big deal right. Well, for anyone who has ever been on high doses of steroids, you know what I am talking about. The doses that I have taken sometimes make death sound appealing.

Needless to say I have been symptomatic again for over a month now. I have good days; sometimes a few at a time and I pretend that it’s gone or going away and then I have really bad days which is completely depressing. I had been under the impression for years that my flares were brought on by stress. And most of that stress I felt was caused by my overrated, under appreciating, corporate bullshit job and so, as you can imagine I was extremely disappointed when I up and change my entire life, removed everything toxic from it, move half way across the country and here it is again as ugly as it’s always been. I was really hoping this would stay away at least for longer than it did. It’s been just over a year since my last major flare.

I can cover up the random bruises and the circular rashes on my arms, explain away the muscle and joint pain, ignore the sores in my mouth and nose and even grin through the fatigue and weakness because what other choice do I have? Do I let it win, give in, stop fighting. Will I make it worse or better? I don’t know.

So regrettably I am off to the Doctor next week and I have already been pre-warned despite the review of my medical file, I am over due for a full blood panel. So, the poking, prodding, puzzling looks, dosage changing, etc begins again.

But I am positive, hopeful and a little angry and that along with the amazing people (new and old), opportunities and possibilities in my life, will get me through it. I unfortunately can say, I personally know 7 women in my very close group of friends who suffer from some sort of auto-immune disease. It’s completely environmental and it’s ridiculous to think little if anything is being done about it. Auto-immune diseases are the hardest to diagnose and the hardest to treat. Most doctors make a guess and go with it because symptoms change and they can disguise themselves as something totally different. All I can do it turn my anger it to awareness.

If you would like to know more about it, here are some links:

http://www.lupus.org/newsite/index.html

http://butyoudontlooksick.com/
(This is one of my favorite sites because I love the sick humor. And because Lupus is an invisible disease; unless you say it, most people will not know you have it. My cousin Kathy Abril has Lupus as well and after we compare meds, dosages’ etc. we always end with, “But you look great!”. As sick as it is, it’s our way of making fun of the disease and the people who don’t understand it.)

Much happier/lighter blog already in the works!

Vickie

Yet Another Road Trip

I seem to do well as long as I'm moving. I'm dedicating the song "Lost Highway" to myself today. Hank Williams sang it, so did Jeff Buckley. I'm only familiar with Jeff's version.

I'm off to Spokane this morning. In the next fifteen minutes in fact. I'm hoping to be able to let go of everything, everything. I'm seeing my ex's sister. She's like a sister to me after all these years. Unlike my ex, there are no ex-pectations or projections, so that will be nice.

We are going to drink wine tonight and hit the town tomorrow night. Apparently it's gay pride tomorrow. Sarah, like myself, has a lot of gay friends. Need I say more?

I have a five and a half hour drive ahead of me. Blake, her other brother, says it's seven. Yahoo says it's five and a half. Sarah says it's five. I'm hoping it's five.

I'm drinking iced coffee at Crema. It's nice here. Lots of floor to ceiling windows that open up like garage doors. High corrugated steel ceilings. Airy. They have really good cold pressed iced coffee here (wink to Scott). It's expensive.

I slept like crap last night. Maybe because my roommate (also my ex) didn't come home last night. He was out drinking. Problem is, he left on his motorcycle. I was like a parent waking up every three hours, worried he'd crashed. I won't waste my worry on that again nor will I tell him I was worried. He'll think ex things and project them onto me.

I saw a good movie yesterday if you are into Indies. "Solo Goodbye." I saw it in a place called the Living Room Theatre. It's cool. Kind of like a private screening room you might go to at a hollywood studio. Digital screens. They have a full menu and a bar. I had a small popcorn that was made fresh. It was served in a glass bowl just like at home. It was just enough. I hate too much popcorn. For my Los Angeles friends, the theatre has kind of an Arclight vibe but on a much more intimate scale.

Next week will be job hunting, and meeting with a school advisor. Fun stuff. I may get a hotel. I need my own space. But, right now, I need to hit the road. Spokaloo (Spokane), here I come! WOO HOO

Have a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Renee

Opposable Thumbs

Today's title refers to the name of the cafe I am sitting in. I like it here. Two dollar Iced Americanos served in a Pint Glass is pure happiness. They have low comfy chairs here, with a sort of living room slash art gallery thing going on. When I walked in I thought maybe it was more bar than coffee shop since the chalk board behind the counter has "drinks" on it and the one to the side has coffee stuff on it. But, after hanging here for the past hour I think it's just a cafe that serves drinks. Drinks like Spiced Rum Chai, Hot Makers Toddy and Harvey Wallbangers. I'll have to come back here on a winter afternoon for a toddy and some writing.

My mental state is much better today. I spent several hours on the phone yesterday dealing with more things gone wrong. The morning started with me missing an unemployment call I didn't know had been scheduled yet. I never got the letter. Seventeen calls later I found out the interviewer went ahead and approved me to continue getting unemployment even though he didn't talk to me. Lucky me. Still, I had to wonder why I hadn't received the letter, or any mail for that matter. I called my post office in Los Angeles. Turns out they are holding my mail until June 29th because either I screwed up or they did. Either way it doesn't matter. I have no choice but to start the whole change of address process all over again because they only accept corrections in writing via the US POSTAL SERVICE. No phone calls, no emails. So then I call the Portland post office because I want to make sure there are no issues on this end. I had changed my address directly with a couple of places. Given the way things have been going and the fact that I have not received one piece of mail I thought it best to check in. Guess what. They never labeled my PO Box, so all of my mail has been blocked on this end as well. Seriously, I had to laugh and cry.

At the end of all that, I finally returned some phone calls to friends in Los Angeles. I had a good cry. I went to Powells and picked up a couple of heady books and spent the night reading and drinking wine.

I woke up this morning and I feel different. Finally, something clicked into place. I'm here. Things have kind of sucked. I'm starting to roll with it. I'm leaving town for the weekend. I have no idea what I will do next week. Each day, I do whatever I do. In 3 weeks I will have an apartment and start a routine. For now, I'm a gypsy. I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. I really don't know what is different today. I just feel lighter. Maybe I let go a little. Maybe time is doing its healing thing. The sun is not out, so we can't give it any credit. Let's just go with it. Renee feels good today, even silly. Now that my head is raising above water I need to get school or work sorted out.

The movie I was going to work on is a no go for now. Postponed until September. The catering gig I had a connection with has not replied. My most recent job lead led to a wall. Next, school and job hunting. It's all good. This part was sort of expected. It's a national condition. You can see it in the cafe's of both Los Angeles and Portland. All day, every day, people are on the net "searching (seeking)."

Anyway, Craigslist awaits. Oh, and I just finished the book "Lowboy." I give it two opposable thumbs up.

- Renee

Focusing on the Good

Yesterday was a much better day. The sun was out when I woke up and the day was good after a second good night's sleep. Last night I went out to a show and while I rested well I woke up this morning a bit tired. I am a little melancholy yet again. Perhaps part of it is the fact that it's raining. Now I know you are asking me at this moment, why the hell did I move to some place where I would be so easily effected by a little rain. The answer is that I chose not to focus on that but on the good things that might happen here. In fact, I did that all day yesterday. They are little things but here are some really great things about living here.

- Getting across town doesn't take very long at all and you don't need to leave extra time just in case you hit traffic.
- I can walk most places I need to go.
- Coffee
- The strawberries are directly from the hands of God. They are dark red, juicy, sweet & my eyes close every time I bite into one.
- When the sun comes out the parks are full of people from the surrounding neighborhoods, reading, playing frisbee, snoozing.
- EVERYONE has a bike. It's like there is as many bikes as there are cars and come rain or shine they commute on them.
- I walked by a person that was on a 3 wheel bike attached to what looked like a miniature Uhaul. It was a sustainable coffee delivery company. They bike their beans to the offices they service. CRAZY!
- Good music is in all the cafes.
- Powells Bookstore. The greatest on earth.... if you don't know it, look it up.
- It's cheaper. WAY cheaper. And they don't have sales tax.

So that's the good list. The list of things that I will keep adding to as best as I can. I do feel like emotional crap again today. I'm not going to lie. I want to cry, especially when I read encouraging emails from my friends. I'm such a cry baby it's almost comical. Three more weeks, three more weeks, three more weeks.... I can do anything for a few measly weeks right? Just think of how good it's going to feel that first night in my very own bed! PURE HEAVEN!

In all this turmoil I've lost a bit of insight as to what this blog should be about. I suppose it's all part of the journey and that's why Vickie and are here. To document the journey. The good the bad and the great.

The Perfect Storm

I made it into Portland on Thursday afternoon. The drive was amazingly beautiful. I had forgotten how amazing Southern Oregon is. Lush. The views distracted me from the time on the road making it pass quickly. That is until I was around 3 hours south of Portland. That's where the storm started. I drove through 30 miles of sheet rain, floods, thunder and lightning (coming down on both sides of my car). It was scary and exciting. My heart was racing, my fingers wrapped tightly around the steering wheel as I sat forward with my face almost pressed to the windshield. I drive sitting forward like a granny when I'm excited or nervous, or both. Anyway, I made it through safe and sound, pulling into my brothers just in time to settle in before the storm hit Portland. We watched the trees bend, his parking lot flood and turned on the news to hear talk of tornados. Apparently, the weather system was coming in from all directions mixing up the "perfect storm." Portland's Facebook lit up with weather chatter. An old friend stated "I thought we were having a storm and then I realized it was just you arriving into town." Funny stuff.

That storm was thrilling and short lived. By the next morning the sky cleared only to make way for what would be the start of my own personal shit storm. Saturday came and I was hit with a tornado. By Sunday I had lost ALL my bearings and for the first time in years, felt like I was drowning. I refrain from sharing details only because I don't know that they are important to this blog. Suffice it to say that I drove into Portland and somehow took a wrong turn ending up in Drama-town.

In all of this turmoil I have had a hard time eating and sleeping, leaving me ill equipped to deal with the stress. It's funny that we do things counterintuitive to bettering our situation. Finally, last night, in my third place of residence since arriving, I got eight hours of sleep for the first time in over a week. I hoped to awaken refreshed and with a clearer mind. I did feel rested finally but as the sleep cleared from my mind it became clear I that I still felt as horrid as I had the day before. For the past 24 hours all I have been thinking is "what the hell have I done? did I make a mistake in coming here?"

I have hesitated to reach out to my friends for fear of them telling me "YES!, you made a mistake, come back!" I feel fear that I have already failed. I feel lost. I feel homeless. I feel grey.

The sun came out this afternoon. I sat in it for at least an hour. I'm feeling a bit better as the day goes on.

Our friend Vickie said to me in an email today, "Maybe it is easier to move some place where you know no one, that way there is little expectation." I think that while I may not have been in touch with any expectations, I had them.

The point of me talking about this (even in all it's vagueness), is to share with you the hard parts. I've moved around a lot in my life and gone on adventures and looking back, I don't really remember the hard parts. All this leaping into the abyss is bound to bring, at very least, a challenge or two. Yesterday, I didn't think I was going to be up for it and wanted to bail. Today, I'm winning that battle, slowly, very slowly.

I got lost in the clouds for a few days there. It's important to remember that this storm, as all storms do, will pass. Even if it doesn't seem like it ever will... I just have to keep reminding myself that it ALWAYS does.

So, it's been a rough start. I don't know how fast it will get better or easier. It could be in 3 weeks when I move into my new apartment (yes I got a place and I am dropping off the check tonight) or 3 months. Either way, when the good stuff comes it will mean all the more for having gone through this time. What's that stupid saying? No pain, no gain? Lemons into lemonade? See, there are even sayings about all this trial and tribulation stuff we go through.

"This too shall pass."

Thank you for reading ~ Renee

Random Thoughts, take one: No Landing In Sight

I've come to realize that having friends visit is enjoyable but I wonder if it takes away from some of the reality of truly settling in to my new city.

I've had a few friends visit and stay a few days and now one a whole week and while I am elated with their company and the opportunity to campaign for my happiness here; I can't help but think it’s a distraction. I find myself sad at ones departure and anticipating the next arrival to where I live for that point in time. That cannot be good. This experience or experiment should not be based on arrivals and departures of loved ones.

Despite the revolving door of visitors, I have acclimated somewhat. I have befriended some of the artistically-inclined transplants and while I find those new friendships to be quite fulfilling I also know they are transient and people come here with purpose just to complete their goal, fellowship, doctoral, residency, etc. and leave. That is not to say these friendships will not continue but it’s hard when there is a time stamp on it.

Speaking with Renee today on her final stretch in to Portland we came to the realization that we are floating. We have officially detached and disconnected from LA and are probably more ungrounded then either of us have been in years. We have not quite figured out where we want to land, what we want to be or even how long we want to stay. It could be forever, it could be a few months. But in any case, we will float on.

With Memorial Day last weekend, tourist season has officially started. I can see the transition in both weather and people. I always knew the separation between tourist and local existed here it has just never been so apparent. I usually describe myself as an in-between-er because I am neither tourist nor local. I am new and have no foundation here. . . you know, Floating. . . .Are you seeing the pattern?!

This adventure has been nothing but positive but I occasionally find myself contemplating my location within the city. While I find it convenient living two blocks from the heart of the oldest capital in the US I also feel at times a little like I could be living down the street from Disneyland. Same effect? Possibly. As much as I love my little 1840's adobe with gourmet kitchen, heated Saltillo tile floors and skylights it might be worth a drive out Old Pecos Trail or Pojoaque to see what else could be out there.

Sorry for the long silence. I do write, I just need to start posting. ;)
Till then, Vickie


“A true friend freely, advises justly, assists readily, adventures boldly, takes all patiently, defends courageously, and continues a friend unchangeably.” ~ William Penn

Road Tripping

While I am not really in a space to blog I know that some of you are checking this daily so I thought I better get something up here. Vickie is MIA... I think that could be a good thing. She seems to have taken to life in New Mexico in a fantastic way! I'll try and coax her into catching us up soon!

I've been sick for 3 days. I'm still sick but finally hit the road. The last week is a blur. Lot's of packing, cleaning and saying good bye. I intended to spend my last two days in SoCal with my mom before hitting the road. I was sick the morning after arriving at her place. It's like my body was only holding off until everything was done. I should have known it was coming. I spent the last 3 days in Los Angeles completely depleted. Anyway, it was nice to spend more time with my mom. I just can't help but feel bad for just laying around her house for four days. I suppose that is what moms are for and maybe they enjoy it a little bit??? I just wish I'd felt better enough to do something fun and have a few giggles before leaving for a while. Oh well. Life happens and plans often don't. Sorry and Thank you Mom!

Tonight I am in some strange hotel room. Room 301. It overlooks my car that is loaded with all of my clothes. It's times like these that I just hope. Hope I picked a nice safe hotel with a nice safe parking lot.

Because I am losing my train of thought quickly and not feeling very witty or interesting how about I just share a few highlights from Orange County to Redding today.

1- Blue Honda Civic driving by my side at the exact same speed. Catches my attention. Kid inside rocking out. Speed remains same. I am eating fries (yes, shut up, it's a road trip). Thirty seconds go by, speed still remains same. I look over, kid is eating fries in the same way I am, still rocking out as I am. I laugh. I keep looking and he never looks over. This goes on for seriously like five minutes. I am absolutely sure he did it on purpose. My spidey sense tells me so. I pull away...

2- Coming over a hill just past Sacramento. The sky is the lightest blue I have ever seen. With the horizon blocked by the incline I feel as though I am driving into the sky. Awesome.

3- Passing several trucks full of Forestry workers. Hot, young, forestry workers. Because I stopped a lot and because I go fast, I had the pleasure of passing them 4 different times. Maybe I should join up?

4- Street signs... Panoche Road. French Camp. Rough and Ready. Los Banos.

5- Listening to the song from American Beauty (the one where the plastic bag floats in the wind) while driving through a thunder storm in the mountains.

6- Realizing that every single rest stop and gas station I stopped at has gotten rid of the paper towel and only has hand dryers available. SERIOUSLY!

7- Free internet in my room!

8- Getting a call from Carl that I have been accepted at his apartment complex and I have the choice between two apartments which I will be viewing on Friday. Cross fingers!

Good night. Tylenol Cold. HBO. Bed.

Renee