Hangin' at the Red E

Friday morning, Northeast Portland. Drinking one of the best Americanos i've had yet. Delish. Red E Cafe. It's owned by some friends of my ex. They've met me no less than 10 times since I moved here and still, they have no idea who I am. So weird. I'm bad with names, but I never forget a face.

I got my school books this morning. Why its so fun to pick up books at the bookstore at the age of 42, I have no idea. But, it is. It's like Christmas. A present, that's true meaning is yet to be discovered. When you get your books for your classes, you still have no idea whether or not you will even like the classes you signed up for. Crapshoot.

My Americano is really really good. Yum.

I still haven't started my music blog. Can someone start it for me? And then I will just put up the music? Please? It will get done before Monday, even if I just put up a simple one that might change in the future. We'll call it a work in progress.

I've given up on redoing my resume on this spring break. I looked at other peoples and mine is fine. More or less. I applied for a job with Nike yesterday. What?

My mom retired and is moving to Arizona next week. My friend Chris is moving to Italy the week after that. My ex asked me if I would be mad if he moved from Oregon the other day. Change is in the air.

I've spent massive amounts of time alone lately. Massive.

I get some visitors next week. That will be nice.

If I don't work on the movie, should I go to Barbados for a few weeks and then go to Spain and walk? I can't afford it. I would be either spending school money or charging it. Why don't I care? The world seems so fucked up to me lately, I think I just want to avoid it. As someone said to me the other day: "I'm just waiting for frogs to start falling from the sky."

I don't mean to sound disenchanted. Because I'm not. I'm in a great place and I care so much less about so many things. There are so many people in the world that have it so horrible, I can never feel bad about my life. Even things that should probably stress me out, don't. Somehow, I figure, it will all work out. And if it doesn't, well then..... I'll cross that bridge....

Do you still wonder what the hell this blog is for? I do. It's like, DEAR DIARY, LET ME TELL EVERYONE WHAT I'M THINKING FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. Well, if after all this time, you are still reading, I hope you are getting something out of it. Something for yourself.

~thanks for reading~renee

Reflecting, One Year Later, Almost

In June, 2 months from now, I will have been here for one year. I find myself looking back and wondering, what have I done? Did I accomplish any of the things I set out to do? I might have to go back and read what those things were before I decide.

Major things to note: I actually moved here, I worked on a movie, participated in another Art from the Ashes show, and then accomplished my first semester of school. That doesn't even take into account like me tackling my fear of heights at a rock gym recently. Not terrible for ten months. Actually nine, since I was in hell, couch surfing, for the first month.

I'm on Spring Break with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Well, nothing I feel like doing. Motivation seems to be an issue for me a lot lately. Finding it, that is. I painted a bit earlier in the week. I had a whole list of things I was going to accomplish while on a break from school. Instead, I have been reading a book. Today I am going to try and tackle at least one thing on the list. I'm housesitting, that could have something to do with it. When I am in flux, my brain gets this whole "floating" mentality and prevents me from accomplishing much. I need that solid, feet on the ground, home based feeling. I've lost you, haven't I?

So, almost a year later, and what am I doing here? Well, I still can't seem to get a job, let alone an interview. In a strange repeat of last June, I might be working on a movie again. I am enrolled to start my second semester of school next week and may have to juggle movie/school for the month of May. That could get a little frightening. Another Art from the Ashes show starts in June and I'll be painting something for that. Seriously... is this a rewind? I'm still single, still jobless, and still living in a studio apartment at age 42. But I'm moving forward, right? RIGHT!

I think I've only ever told a handful of people this, probably for fear of sounding egotistical. But, I have always had this nagging feeling that I am supposed to do something great. Greater than myself and greater than I can even see. I have no idea what it is or what it means. I was talking to an old friend about it yesterday and he said, you know, not everyone has that feeling. I think he's right. So, if you are one of those people that does have this feeling, are you obligated to somehow figure out what this great thing is? And, if so, how do you go about it. I have been trying to figure it out for as long as I can remember.

At the one year mark, I'm sure not a lot will have changed but then again, you never know. I think it's good to look back at what you have done. Too often we criticize where we are at in life as if we have not done enough. If you take a minute to look back, you might be surprised at what you find. Try not to define yourself just by the job you've had for the past 10 years. Look at the things you have actually done and let yourself smile about it. Did you run a marathon, raise a child, care for a sick parent, pay off your debt, learn a language, get a degree, adopt a child, go on safari, retire, lose 10 pounds, start a business, finally finish that book? And if you can't think of anything, than I say, don't dwell on it. Pick something to accomplish this week. Take a walk around the pond.

A couple of days ago I went to my first Bikram Yoga class. It's yoga in a room where the thermostat is set to 105 degrees. I have wanted to try it for years. I was always afraid that I would puke or pass out, so I never tried it. This week, I finally did. I'm not gonna lie. It's really hard and it's really fucking hot. But, I lost 2 pounds and I felt so good afterwards it was amazing. I didn't love the class, but I loved the way it made me feel enough, that I will be going back.

Sometimes, the process is unpleasant but the results are so wonderful that you forget what took place before. And so, keep trying. Always. And allow yourself to be amazed by all the little things you accomplish every day.