Hello Strangers

I know there are still people out there, unbelievably, still following this blog. I thank you for your patience with our bad blogging habits. This will be a short one. I'm here to let you know, that if you really enjoy this blog, not to give up. I'll be back soon.

A few of other notes:

Today is Vickie' birthday. The other half of this blog. HAPPY BIRTHDAY VICKIE! My mom's Birthday is tomorrow. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM! I'm surrounded by Taurus.

I started a music blog. Check it out! www.loudershesaid.tumblr.com I post a song a day. It's kind of my way of sharing music with the world and helping those who don't like to look for it, find it.

Sarah is having her baby, unless she had it in the middle of the night last night. Which is real possibility. Congratulations Sarah! (Sarah is my ex's sister, and kind of like a little sister to me)

I have to give a presentation in school tonight. Usually I would be having anxiety. I'm not. I think that worries me more, because I'm wondering if it's just waiting to hit me when I'm standing in front of the classroom. UGH. DREAD! Anyway, I need to study now.

Check back soon. I will!

~ Renee ~

Hangin' at the Red E

Friday morning, Northeast Portland. Drinking one of the best Americanos i've had yet. Delish. Red E Cafe. It's owned by some friends of my ex. They've met me no less than 10 times since I moved here and still, they have no idea who I am. So weird. I'm bad with names, but I never forget a face.

I got my school books this morning. Why its so fun to pick up books at the bookstore at the age of 42, I have no idea. But, it is. It's like Christmas. A present, that's true meaning is yet to be discovered. When you get your books for your classes, you still have no idea whether or not you will even like the classes you signed up for. Crapshoot.

My Americano is really really good. Yum.

I still haven't started my music blog. Can someone start it for me? And then I will just put up the music? Please? It will get done before Monday, even if I just put up a simple one that might change in the future. We'll call it a work in progress.

I've given up on redoing my resume on this spring break. I looked at other peoples and mine is fine. More or less. I applied for a job with Nike yesterday. What?

My mom retired and is moving to Arizona next week. My friend Chris is moving to Italy the week after that. My ex asked me if I would be mad if he moved from Oregon the other day. Change is in the air.

I've spent massive amounts of time alone lately. Massive.

I get some visitors next week. That will be nice.

If I don't work on the movie, should I go to Barbados for a few weeks and then go to Spain and walk? I can't afford it. I would be either spending school money or charging it. Why don't I care? The world seems so fucked up to me lately, I think I just want to avoid it. As someone said to me the other day: "I'm just waiting for frogs to start falling from the sky."

I don't mean to sound disenchanted. Because I'm not. I'm in a great place and I care so much less about so many things. There are so many people in the world that have it so horrible, I can never feel bad about my life. Even things that should probably stress me out, don't. Somehow, I figure, it will all work out. And if it doesn't, well then..... I'll cross that bridge....

Do you still wonder what the hell this blog is for? I do. It's like, DEAR DIARY, LET ME TELL EVERYONE WHAT I'M THINKING FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. Well, if after all this time, you are still reading, I hope you are getting something out of it. Something for yourself.

~thanks for reading~renee

Reflecting, One Year Later, Almost

In June, 2 months from now, I will have been here for one year. I find myself looking back and wondering, what have I done? Did I accomplish any of the things I set out to do? I might have to go back and read what those things were before I decide.

Major things to note: I actually moved here, I worked on a movie, participated in another Art from the Ashes show, and then accomplished my first semester of school. That doesn't even take into account like me tackling my fear of heights at a rock gym recently. Not terrible for ten months. Actually nine, since I was in hell, couch surfing, for the first month.

I'm on Spring Break with nowhere to go and nothing to do. Well, nothing I feel like doing. Motivation seems to be an issue for me a lot lately. Finding it, that is. I painted a bit earlier in the week. I had a whole list of things I was going to accomplish while on a break from school. Instead, I have been reading a book. Today I am going to try and tackle at least one thing on the list. I'm housesitting, that could have something to do with it. When I am in flux, my brain gets this whole "floating" mentality and prevents me from accomplishing much. I need that solid, feet on the ground, home based feeling. I've lost you, haven't I?

So, almost a year later, and what am I doing here? Well, I still can't seem to get a job, let alone an interview. In a strange repeat of last June, I might be working on a movie again. I am enrolled to start my second semester of school next week and may have to juggle movie/school for the month of May. That could get a little frightening. Another Art from the Ashes show starts in June and I'll be painting something for that. Seriously... is this a rewind? I'm still single, still jobless, and still living in a studio apartment at age 42. But I'm moving forward, right? RIGHT!

I think I've only ever told a handful of people this, probably for fear of sounding egotistical. But, I have always had this nagging feeling that I am supposed to do something great. Greater than myself and greater than I can even see. I have no idea what it is or what it means. I was talking to an old friend about it yesterday and he said, you know, not everyone has that feeling. I think he's right. So, if you are one of those people that does have this feeling, are you obligated to somehow figure out what this great thing is? And, if so, how do you go about it. I have been trying to figure it out for as long as I can remember.

At the one year mark, I'm sure not a lot will have changed but then again, you never know. I think it's good to look back at what you have done. Too often we criticize where we are at in life as if we have not done enough. If you take a minute to look back, you might be surprised at what you find. Try not to define yourself just by the job you've had for the past 10 years. Look at the things you have actually done and let yourself smile about it. Did you run a marathon, raise a child, care for a sick parent, pay off your debt, learn a language, get a degree, adopt a child, go on safari, retire, lose 10 pounds, start a business, finally finish that book? And if you can't think of anything, than I say, don't dwell on it. Pick something to accomplish this week. Take a walk around the pond.

A couple of days ago I went to my first Bikram Yoga class. It's yoga in a room where the thermostat is set to 105 degrees. I have wanted to try it for years. I was always afraid that I would puke or pass out, so I never tried it. This week, I finally did. I'm not gonna lie. It's really hard and it's really fucking hot. But, I lost 2 pounds and I felt so good afterwards it was amazing. I didn't love the class, but I loved the way it made me feel enough, that I will be going back.

Sometimes, the process is unpleasant but the results are so wonderful that you forget what took place before. And so, keep trying. Always. And allow yourself to be amazed by all the little things you accomplish every day.

Beef Stroganoff Soup

YUM! Doesn't that sound good? It looks good. It's the soup of the day today at Crema. I should be studying. I'm burnt out. Whenever I do a 10 hour day of studying it burns me out. I did that on Sunday. I'll study in a minute, or two.

Two of my regular spots, Crema and Opposable Thumbs (OT) have decided to react to the large numbers of unemployed people hanging out in their cafes. OT has taped over all outlets that are placed at tables they would rather have people eating at. They have also put little signs on their 4 tops asking you to please not sit there unless you are with other people and ordering food. Crema, as of this morning asks that you please not stay more than 45 minutes if they are busy (GUILTY). They also ask that you don't put your shit down before you order (GUILTY). The thing that got me was that they actually ask people not to bring in their own food or drink (NOT GUILTY). Who does that? I know, poor people who can't afford the internet but need to look for a job or study for school. Still... sit outside and hijack the internet. Anyway, all these limits are forcing me to find new places, spread my wings. I have been frequenting a new place called HEART. They have decent coffee they roast themselves, on site. They have really yummy toast too. They have no electrical outlets. So, if you need your computer, you have about a 2 hour limit. I think this is intentional and brilliant.

I am having birthday present anxiety. Someone is turning 40. They live far away. I have to mail it tomorrow and I still haven't gotten it.

I joined an on line dating site yesterday. Fuck. I'm not done filling out my profile. It was giving me a headache, talking about myself for so long. I'll finish tonight. Fuck.

I still haven't committed to the Olympics. I'm chicken. I haven't been painting. I'm busy. I haven't been writing. School. I haven't been reading. School. What am I doing? Still asking this same fucking question. Only now, today, it's stupid.

I haven't talked to the other half of this blog in weeks. She has a job now and has most likely entered into some kind of normalcy. We text and say hi. We'll talk soon.

I got my first student loan check the other day. I love debt. It makes me feel so good inside. BLAH.

Happy Fat Tuesday everyone. I may have to go order some of that fattening Beef Stroganoff Soup. YUM.

~ Renee

Other Places

I am trying to study but I just keep thinking about other places. Malheur National Wildlife Refuge, in particular. It's probably an 8 hour drive from here. I've been once, about 20 years ago, and I have wanted to go back ever since. I think I will. This year.

The pictures on walls today are glued to found items. I'm at a cafe, of course. Windows, shutters, parts of drawers, old frames. The pictures are just OK, and not even glued on right but the idea is nice and I like it.

The woman next to me is talking too loud. I wish she would stop talking. If you are talking loud enough for everyone in a cafe to hear you, you are talking to loud.

I'm doing the same thing as yesterday. Not doing what I should be doing. At this moment that would be reading a chapter on Ethnicity.

I finally reached out to someone with regard to the music blog in hopes of getting some help getting it set up. Start, stop. Do we like the name Tracks 11 and 12 (www.tracks11and12.com) or is it proper to say Track 11 and 12 (because I prefer that)? The other ideas I had are taken for the most part. I kind of like, From the Top of a Bus as well but it doesn't sound like a music blog. Do I care? Gorilla vs. Bear is one of the top music blogs at the moment, so....

She's talking loud again. I can't concentrate. Another, more annoying person just sat down across from me. Time for cafe dos.

~ Renee

Sunlight on my Wood Floor

So you know those days where you should be doing something else but you don't and then all you think about all day long is how you should be doing that other thing and so you never actually get anything done? No?

Well I do.

It's 60's degrees outside today and the sun is shining on the branches outside my window. It sounds like sunlight outside.

I made a doctors appointment today and ordered some shampoo from Beverly Hills. I miss my shampoo so I ordered some. I don't want to miss it anymore.

A motorcycle drove by just now. See, sunshine. It makes me want to blow all the things off that I am still thinking I should be doing. I'd rather sit on a patio and drink a margarita and pretend that summer is almost here.

I read a book recently called Utterly Monkey. You probably wouldn't like it.

I got my student ID today. The picture isn't horrible but it isn't good either. Why don't they let you look at them before they hit print? I like having a student ID. Now I can get discounts at the movies and on MAC products.

I hear a saw cutting wood outside. It sounds like sunshine.

I think I'll go to the gym now and continue thinking about all the things I should be doing.

~ Renee

Happy New Year?

Ok, so I'm a little, or a lot, late. I was in LA for Christmas and then back in Oregon for New Years Eve and then, BAM, I was sick as a dog. I was in bed for 10 days and still, 25 days later, getting rid of the last symptoms. No, it wasn't H1N1.

Now it's almost February and I am 1 year older than the last time I blogged. Oh joy. Vickie got a job in New Mexico and I started school in Oregon. Two girls in two cities are happy to have some new things happening.

I haven't forgotten or given up on the music blog. It too will be happening. I just need to do some research to get it up and running. I've started that process and it will be coming soon.

I'm still loving it here. The weather has been pretty mild and we've had enough sun off and on that I don't think i'll go crazy, not this year anyway.

I don't have a lot to say right now, which is funny. I've wanted to blog for a week now and kept saying "later, i'll do it later." It never happened. Now I am and I forget everything I wanted to say. So maybe I will leave it at this for now. A nice short & sweet Happy New Year to you all. And I will do my best to actually sign on here and say something of interest next time and sooner rather than later.

Happy New Year. May this 2010 bring you good health and happiness. ~ Renee

Survivor: SEASON 30 - NEW MEXICO

This is just short and sweet and a place to vent :)

So there are these “special” services allotted for Native Americans here like, if you are Native you can file a form stating you deserve a job and you deserve preference based on the fact that you are Native. Forget anyone else who has applied and their qualifications; if you are Native you have the right to request preference.

Now, that being said, I can prove my Native American descent with a long line of relatives right here in New Mexico. However, what people don’t get here is I don’t care to be affiliated with any organization like that; tribal blood or not. It’s apparently quite easy to get your “status”, you just contact the tribe, go to tribal counsel and get consent from the chief! And then what?! He issues me a sari?! Why does that sound like a really sad episode of survivor all of a sudden? I mean, I am Scottish and German too shall I wear a kilt or a lederhosen? Well, maybe with some knee-high doc martins, but really. . . . . I don’t get it, I have no desire to be identified like that just to work the system or make a company hire me based on my ethnicity, not my qualifications.

So look, here’s how I really feel. You know what tribe I belong to? LOS ANGELES. Orale!

Vickie LightandDark

You can take the girl outta LA but you can never take the LA outta the girl. I let New Mexico try for a bit, became a chameleon, tried to fit in without putting any ideals or expectations on this place but when it comes down to it, I don’t need to fit in anywhere, I’ll always be the LA hipster. I need a turntable; where’s my vinyl?

I have come to love Santa Fe, really. . . but I have to admit; It's like someone shot it with a big dose of Botulism right in the eye. It can be monotonous, repetitive; and there is a huge lack of motivation. Is it just me? Maybe it is. . . .

I am not saying it has not been an adventure, it has but the reality seems to be sinking in and it makes me sad and a little scared. Not because I am thinking Santa Fe isn’t the answer anymore it’s that I am thinking more and more I really don’t belong here. I am 35 and single. That’s a bad combination in this sleeping little one-horse town. This is not to say I wouldn’t come back but maybe it’s just not the right time now. I don’t know where I am supposed to be, maybe it is LA or at least near it. Spending the holidays alone made me realize that, as well as do my true deep rooted interests and issues – haha! I find that I am not honing those interests here as much as I thought I would. I think because from a creative perspective, it’s a bit of a cliché here and the last thing an aging LA hipster needs to be is cliché!

Vickie

Right place, wrong time. . . .that’s how I feel every day – Jack White

Here Comes the Sun and a New Blog

At Crema, looking outside at the grey, shitty, dreary weather listening to "Here Comes the Sun," pouring into the room. Kind of ironic. It's a quiet morning here. The gym was this way yesterday. I guess a lot of people are probably already off or out of town for the holidays. I walked in this morning and actually got to say more than hello to my favorite cafe boy. We talked about camping in tree houses and going to the gym. He informed me that going to the gym is not as fun now that he is older. He's turning 29 tomorrow (another Sagittarius), real old. I don't know his name, I call him blue eyes. I'll have to ask him one of these days. He has the bluest eyes you have ever seen. Seriously. They are a kind of see-through-sky blue.

It's busier now. Louder. I like it when it's quiet in here. The ceilings are high and exposed and the music bounces about with the clank of espresso cups in the background and the slight tapping of keyboards can be heard from the next table over. When it's busy it's chat chat chat, chairs sliding along the concrete floors and the microwave heating up pastry after pastry... beeeeeeeep. It's always busy in here about this time until after lunch.

I thought it was going to be sunny tomorrow but now I hear the rain is here to stay. Ah, well.... I'm leaving for LA next week.

I've decided to start yet another blog. A music blog of sorts. I've been thinking a lot about this for a while now. I don't know if you know this about me but I am a music freak.

Twenty facts about me and music:

1. I belong to a paid music subscription service
2. I've been known to spend several hours in one sitting looking for new music.
3. Music is ALWAYS on in my car.
4. Music is almost always on in my house.
5. If I love a record it might stay in my car's CD player for a month at a time with no switching out.
6. If I love a song it might get played several times in a day and possibly several times in a row.
7. I will go to shows alone.
8. I don't like to go to Damien Rice (my favorite artist) concerts with anyone because I don't to like be talked to while he's playing.
9. I have around 5000 songs on my Ipod, none stolen. I would have more if my Mac weren't always running out of space.
10. I love introducing people to new music.
11. Because I have musicians as "friends" on MySpace I often get asked to be the friend of other musicians. I actually go on and listen to all their music before I will accept them as a "friend." By the way, another great way to find music.
12. Strangely, I don't listen to a lot of the classics.
13. I think, put together properly, music and video can create an impression that will stay with you forever, enhance the music and leave you wanting more.
14. I have often fantasized about literally crashing into my future husband at Amoeba, my favorite record store, and meeting him while bent over our pile of dropped CD's. I even have a movie script outline done based on this fantasy.
15. I AM that drunk girl that wants you to listen to ALL THE WORDS to the GREATEST SONG EVER.
16. My favorite genre tends to land in the singer/songwriter category.
17. I own the Bose noise canceling head phones for music listening, not DVD watching.
18. I like my music LOUD so I can feel it inside me physically.
19. I don't know the names of most (99%) of the songs or records I own.
20. Music = Memory

So here is the skinny. I've decided to do a very simple daily blog. To start, I will be posting songs and videos. As it evolves I may write about the artists, songs or videos I am posting. We'll see. Some of the music may be new, some may be old. I want to introduce people to what I like and hope to get others interested in some of the artists that aren't being played on the radio. I'm actually kind of excited about it. I have ideas should I find it growing but am going to take it one step at a time. I haven't decided if it will start now or after Christmas. I want to be diligent about posting daily it so it may behoove me to wait until I get back from LA. STAY TUNED, literally!

~ Renee

Blah!

I am so completely unmotivated this week.

I had a great weekend. Probably a little too much fun actually. Three nights out in a row left a girl tired on Monday. I slept like a dead person last night. Funny thing is, of the three parties I've attended in the past week or so and only one was a Christmas party. Two were birthday parties. Next weekend I have two more birthday parties. Suddenly, I move to Portland am surrounded by Sagittarius'. I wonder what that means... and why aren't more people having Christmas parties???

Anyway, it's Tuesday and it's gross out. It is a true blue (or maybe I should say grey) Oregon day out. Super grey. Super dark out. Rain and more Rain. Just yucky. But it's not the problem. In fact, I've been laughing about it all day because it is so dismal. Of course, the texts came in.... "I told you so." "Laugh now, cry the rest of winter." "How you liking winter now?" I say hush! It's supposed to be sunny by Friday!

I feel good. I feel happy. I feel completely and utterly unmotivated to do anything, which includes doing nothing. I am not even motivated to give in and lay around. I am going through the motions and putting off parts of my constant "to do" list until tomorrow. I did that yesterday too.

Does this mean it's definitely time for a job? For school? Time to get a volunteer gig? Or am I just having an unmotivated week. I know... I think too much. It's a curse. But, I am horrible at being unmotivated. It drives me NUTS! And yet, I can't seem to motivate. I'm laughing at myself and how I must sound. An unmotivated person that wants to feel motivated but is too unmotivated to care about it today.

Cheers to lack of motivation and crappy weather! Bring on hump day. Perhaps it will get me over my own unmotivated hump!

~ Renee

“People often say that motivation doesn't last. Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.” - Zig Ziglar

The Ice Storm

A quote from the movie "The Ice Storm."

"I'm not good at Math, just good at Geometry. It's like you now when they say you have 2 squared, you think it mean 2 times 2 equals 4, but really they really mean a *square*. Its really space, its not numbers, its space. And it's perfect space. But only in your head, because you can't draw a perfect square in the material world. But in your mind, you can have a perfect space. You know?"

We are supposed to get an ice storm here in Portland tomorrow. I was advised to get to the store and get food and liquor to last the weekend. I argued that I have plenty of places I can go within walking distance only to be told that those places won't be open if the people who work in them can't get there. Duh. I suppose that makes sense. Blame it on the Cali-girl in me. It's my first winter in years and I am enjoying it thoroughly thus far. The freezing cold temperatures, the bright sun, the smoke from my breath, wearing hats and coats and boots. I love it all!

I was in a bad space the last time I blogged. Lonely and bored. An internal ice storm if there ever was one. I've thawed a bit since then. It's like the quote above about having the perfect space in your mind. That space is simpler in your mind than it is when played out in reality. I moved to Portland and had started to create the perfect space and then suddenly found I was in the middle of a self created ice storms. What? Actually, now that it has passed I'm okay with it.

Since than, over the past week, two people I knew passed away. One was a co-worker that I did not know very well but worked near for several years. The other, was a very old friend that I hadn't seen or spoken to in over 17 years. Both of them lived life outside the norm either by choice or by challenges given to them and yet they were both very bright lights on this earth. Their spirit will definitely live on in the memories of those people they touched throughout the years.

So this got me thinking. I'm alive. I'm healthy. I need to get over whatever it is going on in my head and get on with it. So I did, and I am and I will.

I got down to business. I figured out all my financial aid stuff for school finally and I registered for classes today. Done deal. I applied for jobs to make the government happy but ended up making myself feel good for the accomplishment. I upped my gym workouts this week and am completely addicted for the first time in my life. FINALLY. I saw the guy I had a crush on when I first moved here (found out today he does have a girlfriend) and after all these months was still able to make him blush a bright red. I reconnected with some of the good friends I was missing. And, here I am, blogging for a second time in a week.

All in all I would say, I am feeling good about tomorrow's ice storm. In fact, I am looking forward to it. For it will be a new experience, probably quite beautiful. While I may just have to sit the day out and watch the icicles form it will give me the perfect opportunity to enjoy a nice glass of red wine, maybe skype with a friend. If I am lucky, perhaps in the quiet I will discover another "perfect space" in my mind.

~ thank you John.
~ Renee

Quiet

That's how my life feels right now. Really, really quiet. And here my friends, is where it gets hard.

I haven't blogged in a while. I was going to give it up really. Or give up on this blog anyway and start a new one. I have had a lot of ideas for new blogs but haven't followed through with a single one. I've been stuck on thoughts such as "What is my point?" or "What am I trying to accomplish?" I've decided, at least for today, who the fuck cares. I miss writing and this has provided me an outlet for the time being. Although I did start writing a book the other night.

Another thing to note is that I am not going to post this on Facebook nor will I email everyone to let them know I am blogging again. I feel like being raw, honest and putting it out there and I don't feel like advertising it. It's personal stuff and I am not looking for attention. As originally intended with this blog, "the point" is to share what it's like to start life all over again, alone, in a new place with no job in sight during a horrible recession at the age of 41.

I'm lonely. Super fucking lonely. I have less than a handful of friends and a lot of acquaintances. Sometimes I'm really busy, sometimes I go days without talking to anyone. And people wonder why I'm so chatty or hyper when they do talk to me. I spend a lot of time NOT TALKING. Maybe it's my age, I don't know but I am not in a place where I want to hang out with people anymore just for the sake of hanging out. In other words, I'm not into being around people just for the sake of not being lonely. I'm lonely because I am missing connecting with people. I'm lonely because winter is coming and I still don't have a fucking boyfriend, let alone a date. I'm lonely because I'm bored.

I'm bored. I don't have a job so I spend most of my days doing the following, in no particular order: Make bed, eat, drink iced coffee, Facebook, job hunt/apply, prep for school, spend 2 hours at gym (still not skinny), sometimes go to a cafe, sometimes go to grocery store, paint, drink wine and smoke, call friends in LA, Skype, watch TV or movies, constantly think about what the hell I am supposed to be doing, think about volunteering, think about getting a job, think about going to Spain, think about dating, think about writing, come up with ideas for pretty much everything without following through, network, think think, think, and think.....

I was listening to Obama speak today about Job creation in the US. He said this: "With one in 10 Americans out of work, and millions more underemployed, not having enough hours to support themselves, this is a struggle that cuts deep, and it touches people across this nation. Every day I meet people or I hear from people who talk about sending out resume after resume, and they've been on the job hunt for a year or year and a half and still can't find anything and are desperate. They haven't just lost the paycheck they need to live; they're losing the sense of dignity and identity that comes from having a job."

While I was listening to this portion of the speech I felt deeply affected. The strange thing is that I don't feel like I have lost my dignity, at least not consciously. As for having lost my identity, I wonder if I ever had one. And what a great opportunity it is to have this time to try and figure that out. A few of my close and oldest friends have recently informed me that they think I am suffering from defeat. I believe one of them used the word "deflated." Aside from being lonely and a bored, I mostly feel great and even lucky. I am no doubt, lost. I am no doubt, broke. But I am not depressed and every day I am thankful to have a roof over my head and people in my life that care about me. Am I making the right decision taking this time to figure things out rather than taking a job (that I'm not even sure I could get at this point) at the local 7Eleven? Who knows. Does it all make my head spin? Yes. Does it make me feel deflated? Sometimes.

I've definitely found myself in some mud at the moment. My unemployment just ran out for the third time. Now I get to play the wait and see game to find out if I will be getting a third extension. I wrecked my car two weeks ago and had to fork out 700 bucks I don't have for the deductible and for the rental car I used. I almost had a job and then I didn't. It was a good job and even though I wasn't qualified for it in many ways, I still felt somehow that I did something to sabotage myself. Of course, that is all in my head. I had a falling out with a close friend over Thanksgiving. Winter is here, the holidays are coming and suddenly I realize, as if seeing it in flashing lights on a billboard, I AM ALONE.

I am lucky in so many ways for the life I have lived up until now and for the life I will lead. I am smart enough to realize that my favorite quote, "this too shall pass," is my favorite quote for a reason. If it were you that had just moved to a new city and you called me for advice I'd remind you that in fact, you are not alone and will have many local friends soon enough and that eventually this will seem like a blip in time. If you called me to lament about how you were a failure and wondered "what the hell you had done with all of your time off?" I would tell you to hang in there and remind you of all things you have done in the past year and all the things you are doing to make the best of your future.

Why is it that we always choose to befriend our "critic?" He is not very nice you know.

~renee

The Plan

I had a plan for next year. A very unthought out plan, but a plan no less. I realized last year that there were three very big things happening in 2010 that I wanted to be a part of. Now as 2009 is slowly creeping towards its end I am realizing that I have not put one ounce of energy into executing my plan.

The Plan:
February - Work or volunteer at the Winter Olympics in Vancouver, Canada
March - Barbados for BFF 40th
March thru May - Find temporary way to make money
June - Fly to Africa, attend World Cup of soccer.
July - Fly to Spain from Africa. Walk the Camino for the Holy Year.

What I have done so far:
1. Begged for a job at the Olympics via Facebook.
2. Applied for several jobs on the VANOC website.
3. Let some film people in Portland know that I am interested in getting on a crew in Vancouver.
4. Put dates for World Cup and Camino celebration on calendar.

So. As you can see. I have done, nothing.

Challenges:
1-100. Money
101. Lack of ideas on how to accomplish this.

Things I have going for me:
1. No job, no kids, no significant other = no commitments
2. Enthusiasm
3. A passport

By the way, I am completely serious. Seriously.

So today I am adding a number 5 to the "what have I done list." I am asking you for ideas and thoughts. Seriously. Can this be done given my current circumstance? Should it be done?

As I stand at my crossroads and examine the horizon, the road that is most enticing to me, of course, is this one. I was about to commit to a different direction and then I remembered. I have been joking outwardly about doing this for over a year. All the while, inside my head, I was completely serious. Now I see no reason not to, at very least, entertain the possibility for a bit longer. To take my self seriously and put it out there. If you don't try, even at the 11th hour, you will wonder what might have been.

Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood and probably will themselves not be realized. ~Daniel H. Burnham

Crap! I thought I had it all figured out!

So yesterday I am at a bar (surprise), and I am sitting there having a pint (surprise again) and anyway..... I have a new crush. You want to know what I said at the moment I realized I was crushing? I looked at the person sitting next to me and said, very seriously, "I want to lay my head on his chest." What the hell? Who says that?

The reason I went to have the pint is because, 1. It was gorgeous out and I just wanted to sit outside in the sun some more. 2. Happy hour is really cheap here. 3. Summer is pretty much over and the sun is about to go into hiding. AND, 4. Because I didn't want to think about the fact that I suddenly feel like I am back at square one.

Number 4 might be a slight exaggeration but still. I'm a little freaked out.

I can't tell you everything because as mentioned in my last entry I'm keeping some things to myself. Teasing you? Not intentionally.

So. Two weeks ago I had it all figured out. I was going to postpone school until next summer. I was going to work on two more films. One that should be happening right now and one that starts some time in January. Here is what I have learned in the meantime. Nothing is a sure thing until it's a sure thing.

Disappointed and stumbling at yet another crossroads.... I somehow still feel strangely good. I feel like I'm doing the right thing. The problem now is which road do I take. There are actually about three roads I see for myself for the moment. How do you know which one is the right one? Or how do you make it the right one?

I thought I had it all figured out and then I didn't. And now I don't. And now, I get back up on the damn horse that brought me to this place and I keep trying to figure it out.



At a fork in the road
I paused
I looked down to see
The tips of my shoes
Hovering on the edge
Of the sky
Reflection
~ Renee Michelle Palmer

Now What?

I'm laying on my incredibly comfortable bed on my amazingly cozy down comforter wearing jeans and a tank top as if it were hot outside. It's not hot outside, or even warm. I have all the windows open (as usual) and the air blowing in is downright chilly. My toes are wishing for socks and my arms for a sweater. They sky is grey and the smell reminds me of June gloom in LA. I like it because I know it is temporary. I wonder if I will like it next month and the month after that and so on.....

I keep writing things and deleting them. Feeling a little out of practice. Need to get the writing juices going again.....

How about we do this interview style?

Q - What have you been up to?
A - Working on a movie. A short independent film.

Q - Yeah? Did you enjoy it?
A - Oh, very much so. I learned so much. Worked very hard, harder than I think I have ever worked in such a small period of time. I met some really great people and hopefully, new friends.

Q - Do you think you will want to continue working in film? In Portland?
A - I have no idea. I don't have a film school degree which makes me feel a little behind the eight ball, not to mention my age. I do know that working on the film fulfilled a lot of things I'd like to have in a job. So, we'll see. I have an idea but I'm kind of keeping it to myself for a minute.

Q - Really? Can you give me a hint?
A - No.

Q - What have you been doing since you got off the movie?
A - Working on some art pieces for my friend's art show. She started an amazing organization called Art from the Ashes. You should check out the website AND you should come to the show. .

Q - What kind of art were you working on?
A - Mixed media collage. Wood, paint, ash, burnt books, burnt tree bark, photography, poetry, etc... I completed two pieces that I submitted for the show.

Q - Sounds cool. Will you be attending?
A - Absolutely! It is such a great opportunity and I feel very lucky to be a part of something so incredibly positive.

Q - So, job done, art done, now what?
A - I've admittedly been doing some relaxing. For the first time in this unemployed period of my life, I don't feel the need to spend eight hours a day looking for a job. Instead, I am mulling over some ideas of my own and trying to figure out how I might make them happen. After a year of not working, I'm pretty sure I am done in the corporate/office world. I feel good, natural. I found out while working on the film that I am still willing to work incredibly hard and that I still have the skills to be successful. You loose your confidence a bit when you haven't worked in so long. I was worried I may have lost "it." So now, I feel like I am ready to make some things happen for myself putting those skills and that drive to work for ME.

Q - Will you continue blogging?
A - Hell yes! And, as mentioned way back when... a photo blog will most likely be added very very soon, so stay tuned.

Q - Anything else you would like to add?
A - Yes. Buy the new Muse record and listen to it really loud.

A Little Tiny Update

It's been a while since either Vickie or I have posted. Vickie's been traveling and I've been working. I wanted to put something up here in case she doesn't get a chance sooner than I plan to post next.

This production, as of today, will be taking over my life until August 31st. I don't think you will see a post from me until after that time so patience my friends... the blog is not going away, it just might be on a short hiatus. I would put a few updates on now but I wouldn't even know where to start and after working 11 hours today, I'm too tired to even try. It's funny how not working for a year has actually affected my ability to work long hours.

Please don't give up on us.... life just happened to get in the way at the moment. Maybe that's good. I figure, I'll be unemployed in a couple of weeks and all of this and that will give me fodder for future blogging.

Fast forward one hour from last paragraph..... Phone call from Vickie just happened... she hopes to blog soon soon soon! She is in Vegas, on her way back to NM this Friday in an unairconditioned car. Yikes!

I'm still laying on my bed, returning phone calls and trying to finish this little tiny update.

Gotta call from some Oakwood folks. Missed it. Message was better than a call would have been, I think. They are all drunk on wine, doing facials and thinking of me. Kinda sweet I think. Although, they only called to razz me about a night in which one of them gave me a serious wedgy. NOT NICE! I miss my Oakwood gang for sure.

Anyhoo. Check back on occasion just in case, but look for more regular posting come September.

Be well. Live long and Prosper. And all of that good stuff.

Thank you for reading ~ Renee

Scout

The other day, my friend Joy nicknamed me Scout. I kind of like it. I've never had a nickname that didn't already have some part of my name it. Not that I can remember anyway. We'll see if it sticks.

Of course, she is referring to my current internship. I'm on week three of location scouting for a small independent film. How crazy is that? Does that happen? You go to work on a film as a PA or assistant and end up being THE location scout by the end of day 1? Yeah, I'm not getting paid but so what. I'm getting to know the city, meeting really great people and learning invaluable research methods. Ok, not really on that last part. After all, I've always been the one to research restaurants, bars and the like. This is just expanding the subjects really. It's not an easy job. Or at least not as easy as I thought it was going to be. People don't want their business interrupted, homes invaded and often don't call you back, not to mention the amount of driving I'm doing in a walking city. At times it's tough to visualize what others envision. We all read books (or scripts) and imagine the room, the person, the scene we are reading about; usually in a very particular way. In this job, I have to imagine how the guy who wrote it sees it. So far, I think I've been on track, which is amazing and fulfilling. Maybe that means I have the chops to be a director someday? Of my own stuff?? I've never felt that my imagination was strong enough to bring things to life visually, the way filmmakers do... or to even dream them up for that matter. I think I'm finding that is not the case, even if on a very small scale. I just never had or took the opportunity to test drive this part of my brain before now.

Someone once said to me, "you will be a better artist when you learn how to play." It pissed me off at the time. Art is so subjective. As an aspiring artist I judge myself constantly and little comments like that can send me into a cave. Last year, my writing teacher said (as she raised her hand into the air way above her head) "when I read your writing, I feel like I'm way up here." What she was trying to tell me was that I was not inside what I was writing so how could she be. Whatever. Whether she was right or not, I stopped writing for months until I started this blog. I believed what she said and somehow twisted it into a very resounding "you suck."

I came to Oregon, to start over on many fronts. Creativity is not the least of those. Wintertime will provide me with a dark hole to crawl in and create. I'm very excited about it. In October, I am hopefully going to be showing in Joy's show "Art from the Ashes," in support of the Santa Barbara botanical gardens. A film internship, another art show, I'm writing again... things feel like they are moving and moving in the right direction. I have chosen to learn from the statements I previously let stop me in my tracks. Not sure if it's the fresh start, fresh surroundings or excellently sweet strawberries giving me this new perspective. What I do know is that I feel like playing, I am engaged and I am going to make it happen. While I am still iffy on the what "it" might be exactly, I do not doubt "it" will be found.

Thank you for reading ~ Renee/Scout/Nelita/Nay Nay/Anay/Nunay/Nay/Nay Bird

Weather Obsessor

There is no doubt about it. I have become obsessed with the heat. The good thing, I'm finally, ever so slightly, becoming acclimated. The funny thing, it was 106 at 545pm and at 645pm it has cooled down to a nice 105. Shilpa, the Production Manager I am working with, and I, decided to skip out on the office this afternoon in search of a nice icy place to plant our buttocks' and finish working. We found Sydney's cafe. A nice icy warehouse like cafe. It was so chilly that when it was time depart and venture to the outdoors, it actually felt kind of nice out. The thaw. That lasted about 3 minutes. Now I'm sitting in my sticky, stuffy stuffy studio apartment sucking on a Stella Artois, sweating from head to toe. Why does it bother me so when the back of my knees sweat. The rest I can deal with, sort of. The back of the knees? Slippery when legs are crossed. Drippy when sitting with feet flat on ground. Squishy if bent up with heels on rails of chair. It's just kind of gross. The Stella is tasty cold going down, but I am absolutely sure it is counter productive to the body's cooling off process. Ahhh... a breeze awakens through the window. I still have not bought popsicles. What is wrong with me? I don't want to eat, it's too hot, so I don't go to the store, so I don't own popsicles.

Scene: Renee types... stares out the window, waiting.... waiting for some hot guy to walk down the street she is looking down upon. He's supposed to bring her popsicles. What's taking him so long?
Fast forward: Renee keeps typing. It was just a daydream. No guy. No popsicles. Renee sips Stella and wonders what the heck she is going to do tonight to escape this heat.

See.. I told you I am weather obsessed. I won't bother to mention the hot guy comment since EVERYONE knows I am boy crazy.

The internship: I'm still location scouting. I was offered a "assistant producers" intern position today. Not sure what I will do about that. Get through this film I suppose and see what happens. Ramping up will probably start next week. We are short on a few locations and once we nail those down I'm sure we will go like gangbusters for at least 2 to 3 weeks. I like it! I like it A LOT!

And.... it's gone....... blog thoughts just jumped out of my brain while thoughts of a nice cold shower jumped in.

Cheers from me and Stella. ~ Renee

My horoscope today (I quite liked it): Ambition can be pretty heady, like an expensive perfume or that new car smell, and you're both drawn to it and a little afraid of it. Ambition, like most strong forces, is an excellent servant but a bad master. As long as you remain aware of your ambition and make sure it doesn't get too outsized, you should be just fine. So go ahead and reach for the stars -- they're reaching back.

NEXT!

Is it me or is he flirting? I've been sitting in my crush's cafe for over an hour. I've been paying attention. I've counted. Seven. Seven times, he has been looking at me and when I look up he smiles. This is a fairly normal occurrence so I decided to count today. I can pretty much rely on him looking at me at some point if I am looking at him or if he passes by my general vicinity or if he accidentally happens to look in my direction. No exaggeration. He goes to the restroom, he spots me. He restocks the straws and on his way back to the counter, he smiles at me. Ok, yeah, I'm looking at him too if I am actually getting a smile and smiling back, but what the hell does this mean? I am so retarded. I'm thinking, if he liked me he would go beyond the smiling after a month. I finally did the introductions as you all know. I'm thinking he has a girlfriend? I'm thinking he thinks I'm way older than he is. My friend Beth decided he is WAY younger than me so now I have that to add on to reasons why we don't get beyond big face smiles and chit chat. I'm thinking I need a life and another crush to increase the odds. I'm thinking that I am ridiculous.

It's really damn hot again today. It's making me spacey and day dreamy. I just went off into la la land. I'll spare you the gory details of my teenage style fantasies. Speaking of fantasies...I have an idea for an indie style chick flick. Anyone interested in being my writing partner? I'll do the writing... just need someone to help me along with some brainstorming and moving forward. I have the beginning, the end and the conflict ready to be turned into something more.

I went to school today. Yes. Finally. I'm really excited about getting back into the learning mode. After some discussion I may be changing tracks until I get my associates. I won't bore you with the details. As it turns out, I am already half way there so I may as well get it under my belt and move on to working on the dreams through a bachelors program instead. More meat behind the accomplishment. Don't hold me to this as I may go back to my original plan. I have to meet with a specialized school counselor before anything is decided AND I have to take the damn math test I am so dreading. You think listening to me is frustrating? Try being me!

NEWS FLASH!

UH OH! I think crush's last day was today. DAMNIT! How can that be? He just said good bye as in gave hugs good bye to his co-workers. I heard the words "good luck on your real job" and then he replied "we'll see how the project goes." Blasphemy! How could this happen? I think I am in shock............. (and being overly melodramatic for sake of blog, so really, on to the next one I suppose).

I have officially reached the sweating behind the knees stage. It's time to hit the road and sit in the air conditioned car for a minute or 10. I had a funny or stupid thought just now; "Don't sweat it."

And so to keep in line with all things new in my life, I will find a new crush to go with my new apartment, new town, new school and new friends and all will be well in the world again.

He was tall. I melted. He smiled. I felt it. His eyes were blue. So are mine. He served me coffee. I took my time. His name was Colin. Now he's gone. ~ Renee Michelle