Documentary

At the table across from me there is a group of four people. Three documentary filmmakers and one person being interviewed. I am almost positive that I almost applied for an internship with these people. I didn't because they required that you be already enrolled in a school program in which you could receive college credit for the internship. They are on their 5th interview this morning.

The girl who is interviewing right now. She lived in St. John and worked on sail boats. She comes here from San Francisco. She is newish to Portland and came here because she can afford to "live" here. She couldn't afford to "live" in San Francisco anymore. She was "barely living." Funny. Small world. I probably wont meet this girl or see her ever again but we both lived in the Caribbean, we both come from California for similar reasons and we apparently share interests. Small world, synchronistic world.

There are no jobs to apply for so far today. None. Seriously.

I spent yesterday with my best friend's family. I bought my first Father's day card ever. We ate ribs and salad. After the parents left we celebrated best friend's brother's birthday with a glass of wine and HBO's True Blood.

I heart Eric. Six foot four hunk of vampire with foils in his hair asking "is there blood in my hair?" Why is that so hot?

Tomorrow I am going to the beach for three days. Wheeler. See picture of my little B&B above. Nothing special but my room has a view of the bay and I'll have the internet. I'll look for a job, book movers, deal with things that have been too much of a hassle until now. Not being able to be on the net and phone at the same time poses challenges sometimes. I'll write. I'll chill. I'll photograph. I'll walk.

I can't wake up today. Is it obvious? I'm on my second Iced Americano and just starting to feel normal, awake.

If there are no jobs. I will have no choice but to go to school. I think this is a good thing. Not that I was losing my steam. There is just something about not working that, after a while, makes you feel like you need to be working.... not following your dreams. Not working is not the problem. It's being supported by the government that is the problem. Kind of demoralizing after a while for me. I feel a lot of guilt about it some times. If I were just rich I would have none of these issues. Oh, if only.

Thank you for reading~Renee

Hunger is not the worst feature of unemployment; idleness is. ~William E. Barrett

Fresh Pot

When I am not creative enough to come up with a title for today's blog you will be stuck with the name of the cafe I am in. I'm not apologizing, just explaining the logic.

It's raining out today. Surprise! Honestly, I don't mind. It's raining pretty hard which is different than the normal drizzly pissy thing it does here. More like a summer storm. Dark, warm, dramatic. Plus, it's Friday. Something about it being Friday makes everything seem better. Why is that? Because I get 2 days off from my days off? Hmmm.... I'll ponder that for a while and get back to you. Actually, no, I probably wont.

I'm drinking Rooibos tea. Can you say it? It comes out of my mouth wrong every time. I say ROO-E-BOSE sometimes. Today I said ROOEY...blllllllllaaaaaahhhhhhh... and the guy behind the counter laughed and said "I have a hard time saying Arnold Palmer." How funny and how random is that? I replied with, "Well, we share a last name so I'm kind of practiced at saying that one." Why I'm telling you a "had to be there" story, I have no idea. I guess to tell you to try Rooibos Tea because it's really good. The guy that was in line behind me ordered the same thing. Of course he said it in a well practiced and confident manner. "I'll have a ROY-BUS tea please. WHATEVER MR. COOL, I CAN PRONOUNCE THAT COOL TEA NAME EASIER THAN YOU! He was kinda hunky in a not my type way.

The Fresh Pot is a coffee shop that is attached to Powell's City of Books on Hawthorne. It is long and narrow with green walls. The seating is pretty much all on on side along long bench and then a chair on the other side of each table. There are a couple of tables in the front window. I get the feeling those are prime real estate. They serve Stumptown Coffee here. It's apparently the most popular coffee in this city. Served most places that serve "good" coffee. I chose tea because I had TWO large iced coffees this morning. No more caffeine for this fiend. The atmosphere in here is kind of lacking and the lighting is a little bit undesirable. I won't last long. Which, I guess, is good for them.

I applied for three completely random and unrelated jobs today. One is with an entertainment web/site start up company. They want people to do some data entry on cultural events and places around the city. They compared it to one of my favorite websites so needless to say, I jumped at it. It's only 4 hours a week, but it might actually be something I enjoy so why not? The second job is full time with the Red Cross. I was thinking of bigger picture opportunity there. The third was with the 2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics. That's all about keeping the dreams real and continuing to reach for them. I continue to have my daily struggle with what I should do versus what I would like to do and how to maybe do both to and still get to the end result I am looking for.

SHIFT IN THOUGHT....

A lot of people in Oregon have funky odor. I'm just saying.

I hate when people talk really loud on their cell phones in public right next to me. It's, annoying. Yes, someone is doing it next to me right now and it's throwing of my mojo and interrupting my train of thought.

Sorry... I got off track. I'm not really sure what today's track is. I'm going to look for a little fluff to read at the beach next week.

Job Hunting

I think they should actually call job hunting, "life sucking." Because, really, let us not fool ourselves, that's all that is going on. Several hours spent perusing the internet for a handful of jobs that I will apply for, which will take several more hours to do. The chances of me hearing back are slim. I am not being negative, but really, just referring to my experience up to now. I really depsise the whole process. It has taken far too many hours of my life this past year that I will never get back.

What does one do to get a job if they don't want to look for a job?

I was talking to previously mentioned ex last night. You know, the one I am rooming with. Anyway, we were talking about how this time is so fucking crazy. There are no jobs. There are thousands upon thousands of people unemployed. The government is supporting all of us jobless people and paying us fairly well I must say. I am making more than $10 bucks an hour on unemployment. Not that I am enjoying it. It is always hanging over your head that, given the right mix of mood and circumstance an underpaid government worker can decide to pull it out from under you at any moment. That kind of sucks and keeps you from screwing off too much. However, at that rate of pay, it makes it difficult to take a job that pays 10-12 bucks an hour. Although, I am reaching the point that working for my money is sounding really fulfilling.

In the 9 months or so that I have not worked I have figured many things out but I'm not sure it's gotten me anywhere just yet. Delusions of grandeur? BK told me to squash those thoughts. "They are bad for you," he says.

My state of mind is pretty good. It's just that as I grow closer and closer to having an apartment and a routine... I wonder, what will I do and how will this all play out? "Remember the logic. Why you came here..." I tell myself.

I'm going to the beach next week for three days. No, I can't afford it but that's what credit cards are for right? Debt, cigarettes, living out of a suitcase... I've (re)taken up a few bad habits lately. I'm ok with it. It's all temporary and I feel like I'm living instead of slowly dying at my desk, in my kitchen/office in LA as I spend 40+ hours a week having the life sucked out of me (job hunting). So, while I'm at the beach I plan to go on some long walks, take some photos, stare at the ocean, dine alone (which I hate to do for any meal other than breakfast for some reason), put my feet in sand and do some writing.

I have an idea for a chick flick script. I read a book recently in which one of the characters was obsessed with romance novels. That was not the main story line, however, by the end of the book, she chucked it all (her job) and decided to start writing them herself because she enjoyed them so much. Being the sappy, easy to please, chick flick sucker that I am, I've decided to copy this fictional persons endeavor.

All right. My butt is falling asleep and I am just over my 2 hour mark here. I start to feel like I need to buy something else when I get over this amount of time. The cafe guys are off somewhere doing something and could care less that my ass is creating a permanent mark in this chair... but... still....

Before I go.... I have to give mention to my friend Joy. Turns out that Art from the Ashes has partnered with the Santa Barbara Botanical Gardens. They apparently had quite a bit of damage in the fires this year. I believe all proceeds for the show will be going to rebuild the gardens. I will be participating as an artist again. I'm so excited for Joy, for the opportunity and to be a part of something so important. I will post the link to the press release as soon as it is up on the AFTA website.

Renee

Bakery Bar

I'm too distracted to blog today so here are some random items for the daily reader.

I had an english muffin breakfast sandwich today. It had pepper jack cheese and jalapeno tomatillo jam on it. Need I say more.

It was sunny out when I got up. I planned to do sunny things and sit on lots of patios today. I took a shower. I got out. It got cloudy. No more sun. It is grey. I'm sitting inside a cafe doing grey sky things.

I watched a bit of "Long Way Round" again, last night. I am still in love with Ewan McGregor and still want to marry him.

There is a guy that works at this cafe that I think I know but I don't feel like asking him if I know him.

I looked for a job today and yesterday. There is nothing.

I think I am going to go to the beach next week. I can't decide on a hotel. I'm indecisive. B&B or Kitchenette?

I've been here at this cafe for two hours now. Do you think they want me to leave? I feel like I should leave now.

I called "school" today. Unless I am attending summer term they don't want to advise me for another 2 weeks. I'm patient. Maybe I will take an art class for the summer.

Two weeks until my apartment is available. It can't get here fast enough.

Seems like everyone in Portland has a bike and a tattoo. I want a bike. Sometimes I want a tattoo.

I'm going to wrap it up now. I feel like I have used up my free wi-fi time in this cafe for today.

Thank you for reading - Renee

Far From Home

(THE GORGE..MAJESTIC BEAUTY!)

Far from home is how I felt last week when I hit the road for Spokane. It's also the song that sort of became my road trip theme song on the way up (sung by Liz Durrett). It's a moody song. I was moody. That is, until I got to the Gorge. OH. MY. GOD! I don't know if I was just to young when I lived here before, to appreciate the beauty of Oregon, but it blows my mind now. Sculpted plateaus, Hood River, Multnomah Falls, various damns, the Palouse in Washington. The five and half hours to Spokane are easy on the eyes in comparison the dreadful Los Angeles to San Francisco trip of equal distance up the I-5. Nothing like majestic beauty to pull you out of your funk. That, and a little sunshine!

(PALOUSE..HUGE SKY, ROLLING PLAINS, MESMERIZING!)


I went up to Spokane to get away from everything, to see a good friend, have some girl time and come back refreshed. It worked. Sarah (my ex, Blaine's, sister) and I had a great time. We intended to go crazy (partying it up, out on the town) but it never happened. Instead we both had some much needed girl time. We drank wine, went out for margaritas and mexican, shopped, got pedicures, played Rock Band (I played the drums, she played the guitar. I scored a 48% my very first try. Maybe I should take drum lessons?), drank more wine, counseled each other, watched True Blood, talked about every chick flick and hot celebrity on earth and laughed ourselves silly to "The Hangover." It was fantastic!

On the road trip back I felt lighter. I was heading "home" and rocking out to Kings of Leon, Phoenix and a couple of "up" mixed cd's I made. It was a gorgeous day out yesterday.

A funny thing happened on my way home.

I received a call from a woman that used to work for me, that I have befriended. We were supposed to connect before I left LA but things got crazy and I just didn't manage to make it happen. So yesterday, she called to tell me she'd been thinking about me all week. Her thoughts had apparently been sort of chaotic when she thought about me and she just wanted/needed to check in with me. I asked her if she had been reading the blog. She had not. Intuition is a trip! She just wanted to make sure I was okay and to tell me to take things one day at a time. Similarly, last Thursday, I received a random email from my old boss saying hello and letting me know he was enjoying the blog. He too was checking up on me and my rough start. He offered me some very good advice I intend to take.

As I drove back to the city I am now to call home, I realized that I am not alone at all.

I may be in a new city surrounded by strange faces but, out there in the world...California, New York, Ireland, Barbados, etc... I am surrounded by love. The love of good friends. I was watching an episoded of HBO's "In Treatment" the other day. There is a character that has cancer but hasn't told anyone but her therapist; not her parents or her friends. She is probably in her early 20's and if she doesn't get chemotherapy she will die, quickly. In this particular episode, she is telling Paul (therapist) that she had a bad dream and woke up thinking she was dying. She had a friend come over who called an ambulance. While in the ambulance she was asked if she was on any treatments or medications. She said "Just chemo." Her friend's jaw dropped that this was the first time she was hearing about it. Paul asks why she doesn't talk to this friend about it? ask her for support? haver her take her to chemo, etc? He asks her why it's ok for her to be there for all of her friends and her family (including her autistic brother) and why she can't ask for help from others? Her reply is simply "Not everyone is like me." I felt like I was watching a story about myself (sans cancer). There is a lesson here that is not lost on me. As no less than 2 friends put it in the past 48 hours it's "my shit." Thank you.

So today, Tuesday, I start fresh. I have the support of good friends, family and the comfort of the local internet cafe. I finally got my unemployment and mail situations worked out. I am a week closer to moving into my own place. I've been invited to have margaritas on Friday and celebrate Father's day with my BFF's family on Sunday. I am officially looking for a job starting today. I am no longer far from home. The sun is fighting to come out. Neko Case is playing in the cafe...

Let the adventure begin (again).
~Renee

Man down. . . .

I had no intention of posting this but I needed to vent and thought why not use the blog; I have nothing to hide no matter how ugly. . . . .

So, like Renee I have chosen to be completely honest here despite any setbacks. And I advise now, my dear friends, this is not intended to make anyone worry about me and I suggest, if all you are going to do is feel sorry for me after reading; DO NOT READ, I do not want or need your pity.

My body is expressing its opinion very clearly right now. After weeks of trying to avoid the obvious, I feel like I am ready to give in.

Quickly, and not to dwell on the ugly facts: For those who do not know, I have had Lupus for about 6 years now and have to deal with the occasional flare up. I can work through it without medical intervention most times (Sorry Dr. Danny!) depending on the symptoms and how many of them I have. If I can’t manage it or it goes to my lungs, then they load me up on mega-steroids intravenously for a while; I gain 15 pounds; then they wean me off. You know, no big deal right. Well, for anyone who has ever been on high doses of steroids, you know what I am talking about. The doses that I have taken sometimes make death sound appealing.

Needless to say I have been symptomatic again for over a month now. I have good days; sometimes a few at a time and I pretend that it’s gone or going away and then I have really bad days which is completely depressing. I had been under the impression for years that my flares were brought on by stress. And most of that stress I felt was caused by my overrated, under appreciating, corporate bullshit job and so, as you can imagine I was extremely disappointed when I up and change my entire life, removed everything toxic from it, move half way across the country and here it is again as ugly as it’s always been. I was really hoping this would stay away at least for longer than it did. It’s been just over a year since my last major flare.

I can cover up the random bruises and the circular rashes on my arms, explain away the muscle and joint pain, ignore the sores in my mouth and nose and even grin through the fatigue and weakness because what other choice do I have? Do I let it win, give in, stop fighting. Will I make it worse or better? I don’t know.

So regrettably I am off to the Doctor next week and I have already been pre-warned despite the review of my medical file, I am over due for a full blood panel. So, the poking, prodding, puzzling looks, dosage changing, etc begins again.

But I am positive, hopeful and a little angry and that along with the amazing people (new and old), opportunities and possibilities in my life, will get me through it. I unfortunately can say, I personally know 7 women in my very close group of friends who suffer from some sort of auto-immune disease. It’s completely environmental and it’s ridiculous to think little if anything is being done about it. Auto-immune diseases are the hardest to diagnose and the hardest to treat. Most doctors make a guess and go with it because symptoms change and they can disguise themselves as something totally different. All I can do it turn my anger it to awareness.

If you would like to know more about it, here are some links:

http://www.lupus.org/newsite/index.html

http://butyoudontlooksick.com/
(This is one of my favorite sites because I love the sick humor. And because Lupus is an invisible disease; unless you say it, most people will not know you have it. My cousin Kathy Abril has Lupus as well and after we compare meds, dosages’ etc. we always end with, “But you look great!”. As sick as it is, it’s our way of making fun of the disease and the people who don’t understand it.)

Much happier/lighter blog already in the works!

Vickie

Yet Another Road Trip

I seem to do well as long as I'm moving. I'm dedicating the song "Lost Highway" to myself today. Hank Williams sang it, so did Jeff Buckley. I'm only familiar with Jeff's version.

I'm off to Spokane this morning. In the next fifteen minutes in fact. I'm hoping to be able to let go of everything, everything. I'm seeing my ex's sister. She's like a sister to me after all these years. Unlike my ex, there are no ex-pectations or projections, so that will be nice.

We are going to drink wine tonight and hit the town tomorrow night. Apparently it's gay pride tomorrow. Sarah, like myself, has a lot of gay friends. Need I say more?

I have a five and a half hour drive ahead of me. Blake, her other brother, says it's seven. Yahoo says it's five and a half. Sarah says it's five. I'm hoping it's five.

I'm drinking iced coffee at Crema. It's nice here. Lots of floor to ceiling windows that open up like garage doors. High corrugated steel ceilings. Airy. They have really good cold pressed iced coffee here (wink to Scott). It's expensive.

I slept like crap last night. Maybe because my roommate (also my ex) didn't come home last night. He was out drinking. Problem is, he left on his motorcycle. I was like a parent waking up every three hours, worried he'd crashed. I won't waste my worry on that again nor will I tell him I was worried. He'll think ex things and project them onto me.

I saw a good movie yesterday if you are into Indies. "Solo Goodbye." I saw it in a place called the Living Room Theatre. It's cool. Kind of like a private screening room you might go to at a hollywood studio. Digital screens. They have a full menu and a bar. I had a small popcorn that was made fresh. It was served in a glass bowl just like at home. It was just enough. I hate too much popcorn. For my Los Angeles friends, the theatre has kind of an Arclight vibe but on a much more intimate scale.

Next week will be job hunting, and meeting with a school advisor. Fun stuff. I may get a hotel. I need my own space. But, right now, I need to hit the road. Spokaloo (Spokane), here I come! WOO HOO

Have a good weekend. Thanks for reading. Renee